One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking tea and having crumpets.
The first midget says to the other two, You know, I think I have the smallest hands in the world. He continues, and I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records and try to get in the book!
The second midget replies with, You know, now that you mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world. I think Ill go with you and try to get into the record book, too!
The third midget joins in with, Im going too because I think I have the smallest penis in the world. Lets go!
So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of World Records.
When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. I made it! They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest in the world. Im in the record book!!
The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very excited. I made it too! They measured my feet and sure enough, they are the smallest in the world. Im in the record book, too!!
The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a rather forlorn look on his face.
Whats the matter?, his friends asked.
The third midget responds with Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?!!
Note to this joke: You can insert anyones (male) name in place of Bill Clinton. Try it on your best friend!!!!!!!
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a Barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why dontyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Announce that you are taking pictures for the yearbook.
This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesnt have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.
Put your hands between my legs to warm them up, offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job.
Its so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.
Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks, Arent your ears cold too?
A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.
A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, Were ruined, all the moneys gone and theres no flour for bread!
His daughter says, No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what.
The farmer said, Youre a good girl, but if your mamma was here –
she could have saved the sack of flour as well!
One Sardarji Had Some Health Problem And Was Advised For Urine Test. In The Morning He Puts Urine In A Bottle And Kept In The Toilet. His Wife Goes To Toilet And By Mistake She Hits The Urine Bootle And Urine Spills. She Thought Sardarji Will Get Angry, She Put Her Urine In That Bottle.
After Some Time Sardarji Takes That Bottle To Lab And Gives For Testing. In The Evening He Goes To Collect The Report And Is Shocked To See The Result Showing He Is Pregnant. He Comes Home And Shouts At His Wife Tenu Kinni Vas Keha Mere Upar Na Chadhya Kar, Ai Dekh Report, Mein Pregnant Ho Gaya.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Blood, a young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasnt going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
OK! he said with exasperation, follow me, and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
Do you see that tree over there? he asked.
Yes, yes, yes! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
Good, said the first bat, Because I DIDNT!
Brake wired to the horn
The best man at my friends wedding rigged the horn to sound every time the brake was pressed, they drove half way down the road until they realized what was going on and had to return to fix it.