Old and New Jokes

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.

ARES (March 21 to April 19):

Chickens born under the sign of Ares are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20):

Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20):

They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they do not know what is on the other side and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22):

While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side.

LEO (July 20 to August 22):

Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They need plenty of drama and color to escape a normal, humdrum existence. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunities it provides.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22):

Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22):

Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They are compelled to think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making crossing the road always a considerable risk to themselves and others.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21):

Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21):

These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world. , and a spirit which longs to be free.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19):

Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18):

Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20):

Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.

There was a father who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including calling chicken. One day, the son decided to go overseas for study.

The father was very supportive. Before his son left, the father told the son, We cannot call chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to call chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as Shooting Bird so that your mom will not suspect.

So the son left. For the first month, the father received the bill from the son (shooting bird – $1000). Subsequently for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is above $1000. The father could not tolerate any more, so he wrote to his son.

Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one

A month later, the father received another bill from his son. It wrote:

Shooting Bird – $50, Rifle Repair – $2,000

1. How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two — one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

2. How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven — one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

3. How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None — Hanover doesnt have electricity.

4. How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two — One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

5. How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

6. How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seventy-six — one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest

the lightbulbs right to not change, and twenty-five to hold

a counter-protest.

7. How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None — New Haven looks better in the dark.

8. How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One — he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

9. How many University of Nevada, Reno students does it take to change

a ligthbulb?

One.

Why did the fly fall off the toilet? It got pissed off.

Suffering from too much Licentiousness?

If youre oversexed, you should get married
Trust me, itll help ya taper off
Friend of mind always has sex on his mind
Once a month like clockwork, he gets a nosebleed
Girl I once knew was really quite a wild lil lover
She was able to whip up whitecaps on her waterbed
I remember one girl from high school sex class
She WAS the class homework every nite
Girl came down with a rare disability –
an ingrown mattress
Gifts are tuff to buy for this girl I know –
I mean, what can ya give someone whos had everyone
She was so gentle, wouldnt molest a fly –
unless it was open of course
She doesnt run after men any more –
now she roller blades
Men like her because of her vocabulary –
Yes is the greater part of it
For all of you non-smokers out there, trust me –
Theres nothing better before a cigarette than sex
Come to think of it, my Grandfather was right
Sex IS dirty – but only if you do it right !

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These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

176. Invite the school President to sleepover.

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

You might be a redneck if…
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.