Old and New Jokes

A couple of weeks ago, I heard a radio commercial that said:

What would it be like to lose an entire hemisphere of your brain? Tune in to
the Discovery Channel and find out!

At last, they admit it.

1. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

2. You wake up face down on the pavement.

3. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

4. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

5. You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.

6. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

7. Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. (how OLD this 1 is? *g* )

8. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there arent any.

9. You turn on the TV news and theyre displaying emergency routes out of your city.

10. The woman youve been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

11. You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you dont have a water bed.

12. Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.

13. You get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that youre no longer funny.

14. Your doctor tells you, Well, I have bad news and good news…

15. You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!

16. Your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that youd better get the Test.

17. You wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers.

18. When someone accuses you of faking humor.

19. Your lover tells you, Im sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me.

20. You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up.

21. You need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate … AGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?

The first man approached him and said, Sir, I dont wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, My wifes first husband.

Un tío va a casa de un amigo y ve que hay un cerdo zascandileando por ahí y le dice al tío:

Pero bueno, cómo que estas viviendo con un cerdo…

El otro le responde: Pues ya ves, es cuestión de organizarse.

Y vuelve a preguntar: Pero, pero… ¿cómo puedes vivir con un animal así de guarro, que no se lava en toda su vida y lo único que hace es oler a mierda?

Y le responde el amigo: Uno se acostumbra…

Le interrumpe el otro: ¡No, no, pero si le decia al cerdo!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vic!
Vic who?
Vic a card, any card!

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz… down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, Im a dove and Ive been loved!

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, Im a Lark and Ive been sparked

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says Im a Drake and theres been a mistake!

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise.

She booked passage on a cruise liner – first class all the way … The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night.

But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasnt enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard.

A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ships crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parents fireplace mantel.

Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
I cant dear, she said. I have to sleep in Daddys room.

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
The big sissy.

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek

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There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology

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On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal

your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, Im happy that its not easy to close other peoples orifices.

Transporter

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It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who

wont add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I dont think theyll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. Theyll be accidentally beaming people into

walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.

Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.

If I could beam things from one place to another, Id never leave the house. Id sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. Im fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, Id beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, Id beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbors garage.

If I were watching the news on television and didnt like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back

before anybody noticed. Id never worry about keeping up with the Joneses, because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And thats only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. Theres only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

Holodeck

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For those of you who only watched the old Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, Id close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.

Holodecks would be very addicting. If there werent enough holodecks to go around, Id get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. Id feel tense about it, but thats exactly why Id need a massage.

Im afraid the holodeck will be societys last invention.

Sex with Aliens

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According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. Its hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and youre suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.

Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien

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Me: May I touch that?

Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.

Me: Its cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.

Alien: Thats exactly what I said six hundred years ago.

The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I dont have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future wont be that convenient.

Phasers

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I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, Id zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!

On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the alien possession defense is credible.

Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.

Officer: Well, okay. Move along.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbors dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbors dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesnt make much noise, so it wouldnt disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, Ill explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbors dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if that doesnt work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Cyborgs

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Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what Ive seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think youd use most.

Id love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and Id like that. Id program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said Target Locked On.

It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All Id have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.

I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.

The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and youre at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you cant make it to the service.

Shields

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I wish I had an invisible force field. Id use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, Id probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.

I wouldnt need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.

Shopping with Shields Up

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Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.

Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!

Me: Try it. My shields are up.

Saleswoman: Damn!

Me: Theres nothing you can do to harm me.

Saleswoman: I guess youre right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.

Me: Nice try.

Long-Range Sensors

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If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip

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Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.

I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.

I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldnt be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, Im sorry I couldnt give you a bigger raise, but …