Old and New Jokes

A blonde sees a sign out front of a house offering pay for odd jobs. She knocks on the front door and an old man answers.Can I help you? he asks.I was wondering if I could do some work for you.Oh, of course. My porch is in need of a fresh coat of paint. I have paint right here, if you would be willing to paint it. Ill pay you ten dollars an hour.Sure. The blonde took the paint and the man went inside. After three hours or so, the blonde knocked on the front door again. All finished. The man paid her for her work, and then stepped outside to see her what she had done.The porch hadnt been touched!Wait, you didnt do anything!Oh, I left it in the garage. And by the way, thats a Ferrari, not a Porsche.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

Well, she said. The first time I married an octogenarian and he

died before we could consummate the marriage.

The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our

wedding day.

The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just

sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going

to be.

How to keep a Schmuck busy {Scroll down}

How to keep a Schmuck busy {Scroll up}

…when faced with a difficult decision, you begin searching frantically for a Save Point.
…whenever youre confused, you check the guidebook to see what to do next.
…if youre about to get into a fight, you try to look up your opponents HP.
…youre always peering into seemingly empty corners in search of hidden Draw Points.
…your dating policy is: if you arent polygonal, you arent my type.
…you think that large facial scars make people look intriguing.
…you tape a squirt gun onto your pocket knife, and go after your sisters iguana.
…you can pronounce words like @*#!!, ****
and … … ….
…when you laugh, you really do say mwa ha haa, and it actually frightens people.
…your collection of homemade Final Fantasy costumes arent just for Halloween.
…you have constructed a perfect replica of Clouds Buster Sword.
…you have to work out constantly, because that Buster Sword is just as heavy as it looks.
…you feed your pet cockatiels Zeio nuts in hopes of getting a gold one.
…your cockatiels can talk, but all youve taught them to say is wark.
…your parrot, whose cage is next to the TV, knows the lyrics to Eyes On Me by heart.
…you practice sinister facial expressions
in front of the mirror.
…facial hair on men is a turnoff.
…when your boss mispronounces your name, you threaten to rip his lungs out.
…you refuse to go to the circus, because youre deathly afraid of clowns.
…you laugh like Kefka.
(Uweeheeheeheehee!)
…you are arrested at the zoo for trying to sit on the ostriches.
…you never sleep in your bed—only in a small, square tent on the floor.
…youre depressed, because you know the only real men with silver hair are old and wrinkly.
…the hairspray company has started blocking your calls, because they are tired of you asking them to put Sephiroth in their commercials.
…when someone bothers you, you say s

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Roxanne Roxanne who? Roxanne corals sure do make this aquarium pretty.

A Chinese couple is in bed one night, when the man gives his
wife an elbow and says, May-Ling, how about a little 69. Im
in the mood for some 69.

Shut-up and go back to sleep, groans
his wife.

Come on, you know I like 69, and for that matter, so
do you!

What time is it?

1:30.

You want me to get up
at this hour and make beef and broccoli for the two of us?

[Attributed to Rabbi Boruch Lipsky]
[Ed: And reportedly also in Playboy]

This guy goes into a doctors and says, Doctor, doctor youve gotta help me. I just cant stop having sex!

Well how often do you have it? the doctor asks.

Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day, he answers back.

Thats not so much, says the doctor. Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day, replies the man.

Well that is probably a bit excessive, says the doctor. Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day, says the man.

Well, thats definitely too much, says the doctor. Youve got to learn to take yourself in hand. I do, says the man. Twice a day!

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, How come the
Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, Its simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus
Tutzuch (English translation: Whats Happening). They just ask each
other and thats how they find out everything.

Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to
see how this system works.

So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.)
as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New
York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly
dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyns most Jewish
neighborhoods.

As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old
Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers
Nu, Vus Tutzuch?

The old guy whispers back, Did you hear that Bush is in Brooklyn?

A: Her IQ goes up.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicles license plate still attached to the bumper.