Old and New Jokes

The Los Angeles Times recently reported that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner spent $4.5 million for a 5,500-square-foot house near his existing home, the infamous Playboy Mansion.

Lets think about this for a moment: Hef already has a home with a grotto. A grotto! What could be better than that? What might Mr. Hefner be planning to install in this new home?

Jacuzzi fluid reprocessing station
Place for Anna Nicole to stay that is vomit-safe
Empty field for burying ruptured implants
Holding tank for sweaty, crotch-tugging pals of Leo DiCaprio
Genetics lab dedicated to breaking the two breast rule
Laundering facilities specializing in stained leopard prints
Doll house for doll family sculpted from used collagen
Enormous art project utilizing hair skimmed from grotto

by Christopher Painter

Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the
world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for
companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?

The Fairy Godmother replied, Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a
good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you
three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and
almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish, I wish I was
wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap
and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!

The Fairy Godmother replied, Its the least I can do. What does your
heart wish for your second wish?

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, I wish I were
young and full of the beauty of youth again.

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage
returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant
for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course
through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, You have one more wish, what
will you have?

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said,
I wish you to transform Alan, my old cat, into a beautiful and
handsome young man.

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so
beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair
indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy
your new life. And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each others
eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly
perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with
his warm breath, I bet you regret having me neutered now, dont you?

A woman goes to a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot with a sign that says: Talking parrot, $20. She asks the owner why such an exotic animal is only $20. The owner says, Well, the parrot used to live in a house of prostitution, and Im not sure what sort of things he might say. The lady buys the parrot thinking it is worth the risk. She takes the parrot home, sets up his cage, and the parrot looks around and says, New house, new madam. The lady laughs, then her daughter comes home. The parrot says, New house, new madam, new girl. The lady explains the story to her daughter and they both laugh. The womans husband comes home, and the parrot says, New house, new madam, new girl, hello Steve.

How many polish people does it take to milk a cow?

9, four to hold the legs, four to hold the udders, and one to tell them when to move the cow up and down.

Microsoft Announces a Major Corporate Diversification
Into the Car Making Business.

The major design criteria are:

Economies in interior design are based upon uniform size back-sides
seats are all the same size and standard distance from the steering wheel.
The cars will only run on Microsoft petrol (Microsoft LP Gas will be
announced soon ..)
The oil, alternator, low-fuel and engine management system warning
lights will be replaced by a single General Car Protection Fault
warning light.
Delivery strategy is such that the consumer is under constant
pressure to upgrade (modestly priced upgrade kits will be available
either dealer fitted or self install). Support for self install is
an extra cost option, cost based upon the number of calls and the
number of callers.
You can only have one person in the car at a time, unless you buy
Car95 or CarNT but having bought one of these, you still need to
purchase more seats.
Occasionally, for no reason at all, the car will die for no apparent
reason and restarting is a simple turn of the key .. strangely, this
is accepted as normal.
Every time the lines on your normal road are repainted, you must buy
a new MS Car
People would get excited about the new features of the Microsoft
car, forgetting that the same features have been available from other
car makers for years …..
and not to forget
Sun MicroSystems will make a car that is solar-powered, twice as
reliable, five times as fast but will only run on 5% of currently
constructed roads.

No radio. Already stolen.

Why is the United States so windy?

Because Canada sucks and Mexico blows!

You might be a redneck if…
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.