Old and New Jokes

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it.

Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, My mom says I can take the course as long as theres no homework.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. Itll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3. 5 percent margin of error. )

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints Oh no you dont whenever you choose Abort from the Abort Retry Fail message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: Youre in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIANVIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVISVIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKEVIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONALVIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesnt allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song(slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, Read my docs. . . . No new files! on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in self defense.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS – Claims that if you dont send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back. Use your virus scan, dont let any of these viruses happen to your PC!

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. Whats going on? Ed asked one of the crowd.

Were watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine, he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And theres a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

I can do that! Ed said confidently.

No you cant, said Ted.

I sure as hell can! said Ed.

Youll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster, said Ted.

Watch this, said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machines back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!? Ted asked.

Remember three months ago, Ed said…

When my wife had whooping cough…?

Come on baby come and light my fire

One day, the lion, the mighty king of the jungle make new law: Animals not allowed drink alcohol. In the next day lion goes to control how the new law works. There are all O.K., only rabbit is drunken.

Whats problem, rabbit, arnt you dont know the new law?
Big grief, big grief, lion, my vife leave me!
O.K., rabbit, that time I forgive you.

In the next day lion again goes control animals and founds rabbit drunken:

Whats problem, rabbit, arnt you dont know the new law?
Big joy, big joy, lion, my wife come back to me!
O.K., rabbit, that time I forgive you, but in the last time. If one more time I see you are drunken, I f**k you.

In next day lion again goes control order in the jungle. All O.K., but he never cant find rabbit. At last he find lake and rabbits ears from the water. Lion takes its and take out full drunken rabbit from the water.

Rabbit, do you know, whot Ill do with you?
But who are you?
I am lion, the mighty king of animals!
Then go f**k your animals, but us, fishes, dont touch!

Sory my english!

A woman and a baby come into the doctors office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.



After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, Is he breast fed or on the bottle?



Oh…he is breast fed!, replied the woman.

Well then, strip down to your waist, orders the doctor.



She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.



The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says –

No wonder this baby is so hungry. You dont have any milk!



The woman with a wry grin on her face responds…Well of course I dont.

Im his aunt – but Im SURE GLAD I brought him in!

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a man?

A: Batteries last longer.

Johh Major, Tony Blair and Paddy Ashdown are all killed in a plane crash.

St. Peter welcomes them to the after life and shows down this seemingly infinetely long corridor with doors down both sides. Eventually they stop at a door behind which is a stone cell with only a stone furniture. For all the sins in your lifetime Paddy Ashdown says St. Peter this is your home for eternity. With that he pushes Paddy in and locks the door.

Further down the corridor is another room. Its all bare wooden furniture but there is some food on the table and access to the library. For all your sins Tony Blair, this is your room for eternity booms St. Peter locking the door.

Further, much further down the corridor St. Peter shows John Major into a room. Its pleasantly decorated, lots of food laid out and Cindy Crawford is there wearing hardly a thing. A smile (well the best attempt he can make) creeps over John Majors face.Then St. Peter says Cindy Crawford, for all the sins in your lifetime, this is your punishment.

Julie went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming.

As she ran down the hall, an older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained what was wrong. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the new doctor and demanded, Whats the matter with you? Mrs. Jones is a 35 year old, she has four children, her husband had a vasectomy and you told her she was pregnant?

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. Cured her hiccups though, didnt I?

You can get chocolate.
If you love me youll swallow that has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate wont mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word commitment doesnt scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours
without upsetting your work mates.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You dont get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate theres no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesnt make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesnt matter; its always good.