Old and New Jokes

Heres the final
word on nutrition and health. Its a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you.

A man walks into his doctor and says Doctor, doctor i have a bit of an embarrising problem.

The doctor replies, Okay, lets see it.

The man pulls down his pants and bends over to reveal a lettuce leaf growing out his backside.

The man asks Do you think its serious?

The doctor replies, To tell you the truth it looks like just the tip of the iceberg.

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says Hey, can you give me a hand?Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the mans pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the mans moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.Hey, thanks a lot man. The man saysNo problem. But there is one thing I have to know man, what is wrong with your Johnson?Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says I dont know, but Im sure as hell not gonna touch it!

* Im out of estrogen. I have a gun. * Guys have feelings, too. But like… who cares? * I dont believe in miracles. I rely on them. * Next mood swing: 6 minutes. * I hate everybody, and youre next. * Please dont make me kill you. * And your point is … * I used to be schizophrenic, but were OK now. * Im busy. Youre ugly. Have a nice day. * Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. * Remember my name – youll be screaming it later. * You KNOW you want me. * Dont worry. Itll only seem kinky the first time. * Of course I dont look busy. . I did it right the first time. * Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? * Im multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time. * Do NOT start with me. You wont win. * You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. * All stressed out and no one to choke. * Im one of those bad things that happen to good people. * How can I miss you if you wont go away? * Sorry if I looked interested. Im not. * If we are what we eat, Im fast, cheap and easy. * Nobody knows Im not wearing underwear. * Dont make me mad. Im running out of places to hide the bodies. * Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

ON A HAIRDRYER:

*Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:

*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:

*Directions: Use like regular soap.

FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:

*Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:

*Fits one head.

ON TESCOS TIRIMISU DESERT:

*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:

*Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:

*Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:

*Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):

*Warning: May cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:

*Warning: Keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:

*For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:

*Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURYS PEANUTS:

*Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:

*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:

*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a readhead, and ones a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!

Suddenly the brunette yells, Earthquake!

Everyone is startled and looks around. In all the confusion, the brunette escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executions shouts, Ready! Aim!

Suddenly the Redhead yells, Tornado!

Everyone is startled and looks around, and the redhead escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!

And the blonde yells, Fire!

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:

• As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You… Mess It Up.
• Better Be Safe Than… Punch A 5th Grader.
• Strike While The… Bug Is Close.
• Its Always Darkest Before… Daylight Savings Time.
• Never Under Estimate The Power Of… Termites.
• You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
• Dont Bite The Hand That… Looks Dirty.
• No News Is… Impossible.
• A Miss Is As Good As A… Mr.
• You Cant Teach An Old Dog New… Math.
• If You Lie Down With The Dogs, Youll… Stink In The Morning.
• Love All, Trust.. Me
• The Pen Is Mightier Than The… Pigs.
• An Idle Mind Is… The Best Way To Relax.
• Where Theres Smoke, Theres… Pollution.
• Happy The Bride Who… Gets All The Presents!
• A Penny Saved Is… Not Much.
• Twos Company, Threes… The Musketeers.
• Dont Put Off Tomorrow What… You Put On To Go To Bed.
• Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And… You Have To Blow Your Nose.
• None Are So Blind As… Helen Keller.
• Children Should Be Seen And Not… Spanked Or Grounded.
• If At First You Dont Succeed… Get New Batteries.
• You Get Out Of Something What You… See Pictured On The Box.
• When The Blind Leadeth The Blind… Get Out Of The Way.
• There Is No Fool Like… Aunt Eddie.

10. Elevator surfing!

Full name: What you call your child when youre mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

1ª escena un chicle en una moto.

2ª escena el mismo chicle en la misma moto.

3ª escena el mismo chicle en la misma moto.

¿Cuél es el título de la obra?

La motochicleta.