Old and New Jokes

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, Hey, guess what? Im a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, Alright. The toilets right around the corner.

I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They dont know Im just using blanks.

Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!
One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day … think about it
HONK if youve slept with Commander Riker!
Guns dont kill people … Class 2 Phasers do!
Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!
CAUTION … We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.
If you can read this … Dont you think youre a wee bit too close?
Have you hugged a Ferengi today?
We brake for cubes!
Wesley On Board!

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

A man rushed into the veterinarians office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dogs still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.

Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.

The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a “meow”, walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, Im sorry, but there is nothing I can do.”

Resigned, the man signed and said, Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?

Three-hundred fifty dollars, the doctor replied.

Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead! the man stammered.

Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?

The second kid says, Im in here to get my tonsils out and Im a little nervous.

The first kid says, Youve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. Its a breeze!

The second kid then asks, What are you here for?

The first kid says, A circumcision.

The second kid says, Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldnt walk for a year!

A bloke is driving around in his Porsche in the English countryside. He stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says, Ive got an offer. Ill guess how many sheep youve got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me. If I guess wrong, you get my car.The shepherd thinks hes on to a sure thing and agrees. 137 says the driver.Damn me, youre right, says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. Ive got a proposal for you. says the shepherd. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If Im wrong, you can have all my sheep.Done, says the driver.Youre a consultant, says the shepherd.Bloody hell! How did you guess?Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it.

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

3. Dont be silly, protect your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Dont be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You cant go wrong if you shield your dong.

7. If youre not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8. If you think shes spunky, cover your monkey.

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

11. She wont get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While youre undressing venus, dress up that penis.

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17. Dont be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

18. The right selection! Protect your erection.

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

20. A crank with armor will never harm her.

21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.

22. Dont make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

24. If you cant shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

25. No glove, No love.

26. Dont be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

28. Even though youre tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.

29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.

Había tres hermanos, el primero se llamaba Tonto, el segundo Nadie y el tercero Ninguno.

Un día Tonto va exaltado a la comisaría y le grita al oficial: ¡Rápido! ¡Nadie se cayó a un pozo y Ninguno lo está ayudando!

El policía, enojado, dice: ¿¡USTED ES TONTO?!

SI, MUCHO GUSTO…

Un día Jaimito le dice a su mamá:

¿Sabes mamá? la vecina de al lado sabe mucho, es inteligente.

¿Cómo, ella es profesora de algún colegio o de tu colegio?

No, lo digo porque mi papá siempre va con ella a su casa y le dice que le enseñe algo nuevo.