A guy goes into a bar and starts to hit on a girl. Things go very well for the both of them and they eventually end up at his place. After a passionate night of playing kissy face and pressy body, they fall asleep.

The next morning, the guy wakes and looks at the girl and says, By the way, I didnt ask you if you ever had AIDS.

The girl promptly denies this.

The guy then says, Thats a relief. Id hate to catch that again!

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.

The man said, But officer this is my wife.

The officer said, Oh, I didnt know she was your wife.

The man said, Neither did I till you shined your light on her.

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of ones personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone elses plate, it doesnt count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

What do you call someone who kills people in the morning?

A cereal killer…

Your mommas so stupid, she looked over a glass wall!

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.



2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.



3. Men who have tattoos think they have a piece of artwork on them. Yeah, like a flaming skull is art?



4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he

coaches the players from our living room, and if theyre really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.



5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.



6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.



7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.



8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.



9. All men hate to hear We need to talk about our relationship. These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.



10 Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.



11 Men have an easier time buying bathing suits, Women have two types: depressing and more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.



12 Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.



13 Women take clothing much more seriously than men Ive never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh no, Im so embarrassed; Ive got to get out of here. Theres another man wearing a black tuxedo.



14 Most men hate to shop Thats why the mens department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.



15 If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.



16 If youre dating a man who you think might be Mr Right, if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only

works on cocoons and butterflies.



17 No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.



18 When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.



19 When four or more women get together, they talk about men.



20 Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.



21 Most women are introspective: Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled? Most men are outrospective: Did my team win? Hows my car?



22 If a man says, Ill call you, and he doesnt, he didnt forget.. he didnt lose your number.. he didnt die. He just didnt want to call you.



23 Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, Are we going to have fun again? He said, Maybe.. next year.



24 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem Get out and I never want to see you again might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children. Sometimes they leave skid marks.



25 Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.



26 Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.



27 Men forget everything; women remember everything. Thats why men need instant replays in sports Theyve already forgotten what happened.

There is one of those large, portable flashing signs in front of the
School for the Blind in Louisville, KY with the following message:

WELCOME BACK STUDENTS

Now, Id like to know why.

Richard McKewen

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes its a gay bar. What the heck, he says to himself, I really want a drink.When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, Whats the name of your willy?The cowboy says, Look, Im not into any of that. All I want is a drink.The gay waiter says, Im sorry but I cant serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan Just Do It. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because It really Satisfies. The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, Hey bud, whats the name of yours?The man looks back and says with a smile, TIMEX.The thirsty cowboy asks, Why Timex?The fella proudly replies, Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin! A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, So, what do you guys call yours?The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, FORD, because Quality is Job One Then he adds, Have you driven a Ford lately?The guy next to him then says, I call mine CHEVY…..Like a Rock! And gives a wink!Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, Why Secret?The cowboy says, Because its STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!

A little blind bunny and a little blind snake met each other in the

woods one day and, as neither of them could see themselves, they

decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the

bunny would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also

know what he was. The snake ran his tongue over the bunny.

Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose the snake said you must

be a bunny.

The bunny then ran his paws over the length of the snake and said,

Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard …. you must be a

lawyer!

A man was taking a walk, and desided to go through the old graveyard as a shortcut. Now, it just so happens Betoveens grave happened to be in that cemetary, and the man walked past it. He heard the 1st symphany playing backwards, and took notice to the name on the gravestone, but kept walking, though a little puzzled.The next day, he called some friends, and they went back to look at the grave. This time, it was playing the 2ND symphany, still playing backwards! They thought it strange, but went home confused.The next day, the mans friends called their friends, and they all came once again to the grave. This time the 3RD symphany was blaring on, backwards yet again! Crazy! The man thought, and invited the whole village to join him the next day.So the next day, the whole town came, and heres the grave, music going on and on, but this time its the 4TH symphany, you guessed it… BACKWARDS! They all agreed to come back the next day, and dig up what ever, or whoever was making that sound.The next day though, when the citizens were unloading their shovels, the man stopped to ask the old jainitor what was going on. The old man said Dont you know? Hes decomposing!