Old and New Jokes

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.

He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, Beggars cant be cruisers.

A married couple was watching the show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

At the end of the show, the man said to his wife, I think we will have an early night.

She answered, Okay, but when I get to bed I am going straight to sleep.

And he said, Is that you final answer?

She replied, Yes.

He said, Okay, then Im going to phone a friend.

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor again. His trousers had been blown away, and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.

The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

And you thought *you* had a bad day?

(If any of these are not original, please blame it on my Commerce 335 professor,
Dr. Yair Wand. Otherwise, all humour can be attributed to him as the source.)

A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised
tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those
interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class.
Students were quick to comment on the professors genetics. Well, one day a
student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the prof was
writing notes on the chalkboard. The professor caught the student out of the
corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the
rumours of his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded, What
do you think youre doing? Being a science student, one naturally thinks
quickly, so the student snapped up and replied, I came down from the back to
get a better look at the board. The prof smiled.

Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to receive
credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be
signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students
attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often
quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly.
Not so, with this physics professor…if he didnt recognize you, you would
have to repeat the course (& attend!). On one occasion, a student handed his
card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and
said, Ive never seen you in my class, and handed back the card. Now being a
science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the
line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The
prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, You look familiar.
OK, and signed the card.

Paddy is looking very miserable, so one of his friends goes up to him to see what is wrong.

Whats wrong Paddy? asks the friend.

Its a bad day for my family, says Paddy, Ive just heard that my father died this morning.

Naturally the friend is very sympathetic, and tries to console Paddy. Then the phone rings and Paddy goes to answer it. When he comes back he is looking even more upset and the tears are streaming down his cheeks.

Whats wrong now paddy? asks the friend.

This truly is a bad day for my family, he replies, That was my brother on the phone, and HIS father has died too!

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, Father during the week I said the F-word.



The priest says, Well my son, say 3 Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.



The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.



Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church, said the guy.



Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.



No, the guy replied. I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.



Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.



No, the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.



Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.



No, the guy said. As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it.



Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.



No, the guy replied. As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball.



Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.



No, the guy replied. The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole.



The priest said, Dont tell – me you missed the fucking putt!

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food.



After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, Mate, that was the best steak Ive ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him.



No problem, says the barman. Hes upstairs with my wife. Whats he doing upstairs with your wife? asks the man.



Probably the same thing Im doing to his business down here!

Monica Lewinsky entered the White House to see Clintons personal
secretary.

Hey, if thats what he wants to call it.

He usually calls it his Chief of Staff.