04
Oct

If God were process oriented …

If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this:

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.

Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.

And God said, Let the committee draw up a mission statement. And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.

And evening and morning were the second day.

And God said, Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning. Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive.

And evening and morning were the third day.

And God said, Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision functional organization and engage in planning by objectives. The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.

And so ended the fourth day.

And God said, Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and strategy. The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic.

And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.

On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment and evaluation. This wasnt the agenda that God had planned. He wasnt able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human beings.

On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should have been created in the committees image.

And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee …

04
Oct

Shouting contest in Tokyo, Japan

They had a shouting contest recently in Tokyo (the article I read was dated Dec 15).

1st prize: I will do karate for the rest of my life!
25-year-old Hiroyuki Sugano was slightly louder than a a car horn from 6 feet.

2nd: Tomi-baby, let me cut your eyebrows!
Mamiko Kobayashi, 20-year-old co-ed referring to the bushy-browed prime minister of Japan.

Unique Prize: Stop smooching on the train! Why dont you people go home!
Tomoyuki Fukumura, 104.7-decibel reference to the public kissing trend.

I want work!
Yuriko Shimode, comic artist

Its so cold in winter – buy me a stove!
Hideki Matsui

I couldnt sleep this summer because it was so hot and I didnt have an air conditioner!
Koji Fukuda

There are couples all through my town at Christmas time! Hey Santa, next time bring me a girlfriend!
Tsunehiro Miyazaki (Christmas is a time for a glamorous date in Japan.)

Im sick of being a Single Bell at Christmas!
Reiji Toma

03
Oct

Knock Knock Whos there? Darren! Darren who? Darren young

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Darren!
Darren who?
Darren young man on the flying machine!

03
Oct

Q: How many Canadians

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.

03
Oct

The National Enquirers special investigative

The National Enquirers special investigative team has determined that
its actually Elvis Preselys image on the Shroud of Turin.

03
Oct

Like Spaghetti

Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

03
Oct

Ebonics Christmas

Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus An all ower de hood ereybody wuz sleepin Dey wuz sleepin good

We hunged up our stockings An hoped like de heck That ol Sanna Clause Be bringin our check

All ode fambily Wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru dey heads

I passed out inna flo Right nex to my Maw When I heard sech a fuss I thunk: It mus be de law!!!

I looked out thru de bars What covered my doe spectin de sheriff Wif a warrent fo sho

And what did I see I said, Lawd look at dat!! Ther wuz a huge watermellon Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years Santa Clause, he be white But looks liken us bros Gets a black Sanna dis nite

Faster dan a Polees car My home boy he came He whupped on dem warf rats An called dem by name!

On Leroy, on Lonzo And on Willie Lee On Saphire, on Chenequa Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta mellon Out der in da skreet I knowed it was fo sho Da damndest site I ebber did see

He didnt go down no chimbley He picked da lock on my doe An I sez to myself Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!

He had dis big bag Full of prezents I xpect Wid Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun my neck

But he not leevin no prezents Jus stealing my shit Got my drugs, got my guns Got my crack pipe…still lit!

Wit my stuff in de bag Out da window he flewed I woudda tried to cut him But he stoled my nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda mellon An whipped out a switch He wuz gone in a seccon Dat sum of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin Anutha Sanna we git Cuz diz here Sanna Clause Jus aint werf a shit!!!

Murry Crimmus

03
Oct

Ancient Religious Tradition

Every time a new Pope is elected, theres a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well theres one tradition that very few people know about.Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Popes presence, where upon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.My brother, the Holy Father whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history.The Pope said: Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret.The Chief Rabbi agreed.Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly
opened it.They both gasped with shock.It was the check for the Last Supper.

03
Oct

Southern computer lingo

Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and a trailer load of fertiliser.

Keyboard: Place to hang your truck keys.

Window: Place in your truck to hang your guns

Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions

Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff

Mouse: Soft, fuzzy thing that you stuff in your beer bottle to get a free case

LAN: To borrow, as in, Hey Dilbert! LAN me your truck!

Cursor: What some guys do when they get mad at their woman

03
Oct

911

Why cant a blonde dial 911?
She cant find the eleven.