Old and New Jokes

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, just one. But this bulb wont do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out ….

The blonde reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

I finished the exam in half an hour. But, he says, Im not going to finish rechecking my answers!

Little Jonny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull.

How disgusting said the teacher I am sure your father could have done that

No mam, he couldnt have said the little sod It has to be the Bull.

How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin!

Every silver lining has a hem.

Generic Drug Names:

Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Penicillin is Amoxycillin.

So whats the generic name for viagra?

Mydixadroopin

In Canada we have two Seasons…six months of winter and six months

of poor snowmobiling.

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, lets say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day. Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

Help me find my ball, you look over there, he says to Sid.  After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. Ive found my ball! he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, After all the years weve been friends, youd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?

What do you mean cheat?  I found my ball sitting right here!

And a liar, too!!!  Sid says with amazement. Ill have you know Ive been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!

Many people died and first they went to heaven and god sent them to hell


The god of Hell gave each of them a BOON there were fifty members


GOD;Now you can ask your boon one by one


No1; God i wnt to go back to life in world


AND all the next forty eight members asked the same The last man came and asked


No50;god kindly cancel all the boons offred to the fuirst forty nine members which is a good thing will send me alive to the world.

A man is walking buy a shop which has a sign in the window reading WE SELL ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

The man decides to put the shop to the test. He thinks of the most absurd thing possible. He enters the shop, and asks the shopkeeper, Can I have a waist coat for a Chicken, please.

The shopkeeper thinks for a moment, and then goes into the back room. He returns after a few seconds and hands the man a condom.

The man says Thats not a waist coat for a chicken!

To which the shopkeeper replies, No sir, but its the closest weve got – A PULLOVER FOR A COCK