Theres this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, if I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit! Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had fallen.
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen. The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, I dont know what youre laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week.
Taylors dad always goes hunting every weekend. So one day Taylor asks to go with. Her dad , was surprised, but finally agreed to let his little angel come with him. So he told his buddies and they stayed home. They werent hunting with a 13 year old! So Taylor and her dad drove up to the grounds. He hands Taylor a gun. Taylor then leaps up into a tree where her dad pionted. He tells her if she sees a deer to shoot and hell come ruinning. Her dad starts to walk away and about 15 minutes later he hears a shot. But knowing Taylor its probley a false alarm.
When he gets closer he hears Taylor screaming, Get away from my deer!
When taylors dad arrives at the scene he sees a man with his hands in the air and a cowboy hat on saying, alright maam just lemme get my saddle off!
Never invest in anything that eats.
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
Scout cookies made out of?
A man calls a lawyers office. The phone is answered Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Im sorry, hes on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Hes on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Hes playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.
This just in:
A well known college professor has been arrested and accused of putting marijuana in the food that seagulls consume. When asked why he did this he stated –
I want to leave no tern unstoned
An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it.
He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out Ill write you a prescription.
The old man looked at the pills and said Doc. Dont you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill.
Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You dont want a quarter of a pill. That wont do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience youre going to need a full dose.
Doc, you dont understand. I dont want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes.
This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box…and it says….Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions) She looks around to see if anybodys watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter… Ill take one. He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down there. To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and…nothing. Shes totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. So, she does.
The man from behind the counter says, Ive had a few complaints earlier today, Ill be right over.
After the man got to her house the woman says, See, Ive done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, IM ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!
You might be a redneck if you lit a match in your bathroom it blew your house off its wheels!
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, Lets go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.The guy with the Chihuahua says, We cant go in there. Weve got dogs with us.The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, Just follow my lead.They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, You dont understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog.The bouncer says, A Doberman Pinscher?
He answers, Yes, theyre using them now; theyre very good and protect me from robbers, too.The man at the door says, Come on in.The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, What the heck, so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.Once again the bouncer says, Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.The guy with the Chihuahua says, You dont understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.The bouncer at the door says, A Chihuahua?The man with the Chihuahua says, A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!