Old and New Jokes

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.

…when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look, she said, I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.

Interviewer: Sir Thomas, have you ever conducted Schoenberg?

Sir Thomas Beecham: No, but I trod in some once.

[The following was probably written by a violinist]

A princess was walking through her garden one day when she sees a frog sitting on a lily pad. As she gets closer she realises, to her amazement, that it is talking to her.

Princess, princess, please help me. A wicked witch turned me into a frog – I used to be a musician – I played beautiful music in a great orchestra. If you kiss me I can become human and play music again.

The princess said, Oh how sad, of course Ill help you. By the way, what instrument did you play?

The frog replied, I used to play the viola.

Ah said the princess. You know, I think you could have a great future as a talking frog.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowskis legal fund?
A: A free stamp.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU

Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone … more or less. He was doing the usual walking and talking when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.

"I have chapped lips."

"Does manure help them heal?"

"No, but it keeps me from licking them."

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? Im halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner!

– Lynda Montgomery

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

– Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is Gods way of teaching us geography.

– Paul Rodriguez

And from George Carlin…

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?

Whats another word for thesaurus?

If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?

Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?

Is it ok to go door-to-door selling No Soliciting signs?

If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If a book about failures doesnt sell, is it a success?

Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?

If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?

If someone comes up to you and tells you that theyre an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know theyre telling the truth?

How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?

Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if its wrong?

Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?

Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?

How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain.

The doctor then asked, What type of brain do you want?

What type? the woman asked.

Yes, replied the doctor. There is a substantial difference in price.

For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.

Can you give me a one-pound lawyers brain? Ever since I was a little girl Ive dreamed of being a trial attorney.

Thats $250,000, the doctor replied.

Why so much? the woman asked.

Thats over four times what a surgeons brain costs.

Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain? the doctor replied.

A bologna sandwich walks into a bar, sits down, and starts to order a drink.

The bartender looks at him funny and says Get out of here. We dont serve food in here!