Old and New Jokes

No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

A Washington Post/ABC News poll reveals that more than 80% of Americans favor major changes in the way elections are conducted.

Chage number one BETTER CANDIDATES!

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn babys crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with the eyese glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

A penny for your thoughts, she whispered in his ear.

Its amazing! he replied. I Just cant see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!

This one man comes to America from a foreign country. He is at a baseball game for the first time. While he is sitting in the stands, he sees a man hit a ball and then run. He notices everyone get up and start to scream run. So the next time someone hits the ball he stands up and says run ya bastard run. Now that he got the hang of it he did this every time the ball was hit. A few minutes later he sees a guy lay down the bat and walk towards first base, so he gets up and says run ya bastard run. Every one started to laugh. He sat down in embarrassment and a man kindly leaned over his shoulder and said he doesnt have to run. The man replied why not? He said because hes got four balls. So the foreign man stood up and said . . .walk with pride my boy!

She replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

A father and his son were in the backyard trying to fly a kite. The boy held the kite up and the father ran pulling the string. The kite would go up in the air ten or eleven feet and flutter to the ground. Several tries and the same thing kept happening.

The wife was watching this from the kitchen window and she stepped to the door and called to her husband: Honey, what you need is more tail.

I know, I know replied the husband. Thats what I told you last night and you told me to go fly a kite.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!

3 men were in the woods. They took a wrong turn and they came to a cliff. Then suddenly a genie appeared. She said you guys finally found my home! you can now have one wish each. all you have to do is say what u want and jump off the cliff. you will land in what you want. The first guy said i wish for money he jumped and landed in money. The second guy said i wish for gold he jumped and landed in gold. The last guy went to the edge and saw the men. He was about to make a wish when he tripped over a rock he said shit!!. Then he landed in in shit.

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, No, maam, we havent had any for some weeks now, and it doesnt look as if well be getting any soon.

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, That isnt true, maam. Of course, well have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, Never, never, never, never say we dont have something. If we dont have it, say we ordered it and its on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?

Rain.