Old and New Jokes

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, What is this, Father? The father [never having seen an elevator] responded Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father yells to his son, Hurry boy – go get your mother!

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
Theyre both cute as hell and cant fly!

Tech Support: What does the screen say now.

Person: It says, Hit ENTER when ready.

Tech Support: Well?

Person: How do I know when its ready?

Knock! Knock!

Whos there?

Rita.

Rita who?

Rita book, you might learn something.

Knock! Knock!

Whos there?

Police.

Police who?

Police open the door, Im tired of knocking.

Knock! Knock!

Whos there?

Henrietta.

Henrietta who?

Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

Knock! Knock!

Whos there?

Carrie.

Carrie who?

Carrie on with what youre doing, Im at the wrong door.

Knock! Knock!

Whos there?

Anita.

Anita who?

Anita drink of water.

Knock! Knock!

Whos ther?

Dwain.

Dwain who?

Dwain the bathtub, Im dwrowning.

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the MS manager replies, Well, then, that means that you virtually dont exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all of the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, What, you dont have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you dont have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail of from the web, youre probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bush!
Bush who?
Bush your money where your mouth is!

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeers hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, You know, I think youre the first reindeer Ive ever seen in here.

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, Im the last reindeer youll see in here.

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed Now cut that out! I warned you! and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!

OBSERVATION:

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you dont, you are not a man.



If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you dont, you are good for nothing.



If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing. If you dont, you are not understanding.



If you make romance, you are an experienced man. If you dont you are half a man.



If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you dont, she accuses you of double crossing.



If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you dont, you are a dull boy.



If you are jealous, she says its bad. If you dont , she thinks you do not love her.



If you attempt a romance, she says you didnt respect her. If you dont, she thinks you do not like her.



If you are a minute late, she complains its hard to wait. If she is late, she says thats a girls way.



If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, oh its natural, we are girls.



If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.



If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks its just one of the mans tactics.



If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.



If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.



ANALYSIS:



These creatures So simple, So weak, So confusing



CONCLUSION:



It is a wonder that these WOMEN are able to survive in the world. All test results have indicated that WOMEN are irrational. Precaution is advised when handling them.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"