Old and New Jokes

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.

Your wife makes a delicious roast, The chief said.

Thanks, his friend said. Im gonna miss her.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

128. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Extremes meet.

A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Havent you been examined like this before? asks the doctor.

Many times, she giggles, but never by doctor!

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:

10. 1 to release a beta version 1 to complete the documentation 1 to test for hardware compatibility 1 to deny tech support 1 to configure the TCP/IP 1 to check for y2k compliance 1 to program the software to be compatible with the other software 1 to approve the invoice for the ladder 1 to change the bulb. (Thats nine because theres always one more thing you need.)

He decided that he should take another stab at it!

You might be a redneck if…

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

Youve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

When a sign that says Say No To Crack! reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if theyve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddys current wife in high school.

Youre moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

Youve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

El niño se había pasado casi todo el viaje en autobús sorbiendo las narices, por el catarrazo que se traía.

La señora sentada junto a él le pregunta:

Niño, ¿no tienes un pañuelo?

Sí señora, contesta el pequeño, pero mi mamá me ha dicho que no se lo preste a desconocidos…

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, because I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wifes wishes to adopt a cute little kitty

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Ed! she harkened. The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it. You know where the button is. I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).

Reset it yourself!

I am scared! She pleaded. What if it starts going and sucks me in?

Pause. Cmon, itll only take a second. No logical assurance about how a disposal cant start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia, a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, Id have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, not without consequence, but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasnt a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She (Buttons aka the Grater) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. Whats the matter, cat got your tongue?

If they had only known.