Old and New Jokes

A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent.

Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port.

Oh, sherry by all means! she replied.

Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, Im lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and Im carried into another world.

Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.

Una viejita, viendo la televisión en la noche, comienza a oir ruidos en la azotea. Se asoma por la ventana y pregunta con voz temerosa:

¿Quien anda ahí?

Y otra voz, en tono agresivo contesta: ¡Tu chingada madre…!

La viejita se queda pensativa un momento y vuelve a preguntar: No… ¡ya en serio!

Llega un tipo a su casa en puros calzoncillos, toca a la puerta, sale su esposa y le pregunta:

Viejito, ¿qué te pasó?

Nada, vieja, resulta que perdí en la jugada.

Pues de una vez hubieras apostado los calzones.

Y le dice el tipo:

¡Ah chingá, pues ni que fuera yo tan picado!

What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

As George was approaching mid-life, he realized that physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of inactive office work had given him a large pot-belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. Im going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the womans doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, Why, God, why now? After all Ive been through, how could you do this to me?

From up above, there came a voice, Sorry, George. I didnt recoginize you.

This is original. After this experience, I wrote it up for a local
newsgroup. I was asked for some clarification, and I posted the followup
at the bottom.

Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to get ready
for church. Since I had him trapped, I decided it was time to discuss some
of the Facts of Life with him:

Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with one of
the Important Secrets of Manhood. You must never tell this secret to any
women or girls.

OK

You have probably noticed that most things are run by men. The boss is
usually a man. Men usually get paid more than women. HOWEVER, there isnt
all that much difference between men and women.

But what about…

OH that. That isnt all that important. Are you any smarter than the
girls your age?

Nope

And I am not any smarter than the women my age. And you know your mother
could probably whip me in a fair fight. So, why do you suppose that men
are usually in charge?

<SHRUG>

It is because we dont play fair. We cheat. We men have lots of little
tricks that we use to make sure that women dont win. And I am about to
tell you one of the Most Important!

<EXPECTANT STARE>

Pockets!

What!?

It is true! Long ago, we men managed to convince the women that they
would rather wear clothing that looked pretty, than wear clothing that
worked right. And then we convinced the women that pockets were ugly.
So, now, most womens clothes dont have pockets.

Naaah

Well, check for yourself. How many pockets do you have?

<1,2,3,4,5> 5

How many pockets in your sisters dress?

<…> 0

How many pockets in my suit?

<1,2,3, .. 13,14> 14!

How many pockets in your mothers dress?

0

If you dont have any pockets, then you cant carry important things.
Important things like money, or keys, or tools. Men get to be in charge
because they can get things done, while the women are still asking to
borrow somebodys keys.

<Kid tries to escape, but I block the door.>

Son, I want you to remember that if you wear clothes that dont work
right, then people will think you are Useless. They might even call you
one of those nasty names that mean Useless like: Fashionable! or Chic!

<Wife sweeps in.>

What is taking you two so long? Are you ready?

<Shrug>

My that dress looks nice. May I zip it up for you?

A man has a car wreck and they have to amputate his brain.

So the nurse takes him to the brain transplant wearhouse.

On one side of the shelves are lined with brains marked $500.00 each.

On the other side the shelves are lined with brains marked $200.00 each.

The brainless man asks why the price differece.

The nurse points to the $200.00 brains and explains that these are female brains, so theyve been used.

Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seventeen – One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies.

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.



The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.



A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.



“So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you arent disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.



If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.





If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.





If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.





If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.





If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.





If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps theyre destined for the Help Desk.





If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.





If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.





If they are sleeping, they are Management material.





If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.





If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.





If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.