Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesnt see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.
Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what hes done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that theyre in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.
All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how theyd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldnt drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.
Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.
Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.
Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale Ive ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way.
Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, well what exactly did you tell them?
To which the chauffeur replied I really cant understand it either, all I did was tell them Im Hitlers Chauffeur, and I killed the pig.
It would be nice if jokes submited could be edited for grammar, puntuation, spelling. It would be even nicer if the jokes were appropriate to the catagory to which it was submitted and actually were funny.
There is three girls who are dead and theyre waiting to get into heaven. Well the man at the gates said, there was a shootout down on thirty fourth street and we have to send a few people down to he**.Plus, you girls records are toooooooo clean, if you can go back to earth and do the worst thing possible in 6 hours, i will let all of you in. with that they were sent back down to earth and they only had 5 hrs and 55 min to do the worst thing possible. The first girl robbed the bank on 33rd street and the second girl killed her father. when they went back up to heaven the man asked them what they did the first girl replyed, i robbed the bank on 33rd street. so he let her drink the holy water and go into heaven. Next he asked the second girl what she did and she replyed, i killed my father. The man was blown away but he let her drink the water and go into heaven. Last he asked the remaining girl what she did and she said, I peed in the holy water.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None… thats hardware.
Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted area with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
Check your email.
Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
Check your email.
Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasnt started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop her.
When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
Check your email.
You know, you havent written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. Youd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
Listen to one side of your favorite tape and thats it, I mean it, as soon as its over you are going to start that paper.
Listen to the other side.
Check your email.
Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if shes started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
Check your email.
Check the newspaper listings to make sure you arent missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26.
Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
Check your email.
Look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
Look through your roommates book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench
coated strangers lurking in the hall.
Check your email.
Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
Lie face down on the floor and moan.
Check your email.
Leap up and write the paper.
Type the paper, and while youre at it, check your email.
Complain to everyone that you didnt get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.
What does a fish use to get high? Seaweed!
Malo: Encuentras una pelÃcula porno en el cuarto de tu hijo.
Peor: Tu eres el protagonista.
Malo: Tus hijos son sexualmente activos.
Peor: Entre ellos.
Malo: Tu esposo se viste de mujer.
Peor: Se ve mejor que tu.
Malo: Tu esposa quiere el divorcio.
Peor: Es abogada.
Malo: Tu esposa te dejó.
Peor: Por otra mujer.
Malo: No encuentras tu vibrador.
Peor: Tu hija lo tomó.
Malo: Tu esposa está enferma.
Peor: De ti.
Malo: Tu unidad solo mide 5 cm.
Peor: ¡Erecto!
Bueno: Ardiente sexo al aire libre.
Malo: Tu esposo es un playboy.
Peor: Centerfold.
Malo: Estás arrestada.
Peor: Por tu esposo.
Bueno: Al maestro le agrada tu hijo.
Malo: Sexualmente.
Bueno: Fuiste a un strip show.
Malo: Tu hija lo encabeza.
Bueno: Tu novio está a dieta.
Malo: Le va a quedar tu ropa.
Bueno: Tu hija practica sexo seguro.
Malo: Tiene 11 años.
Bueno: Tu vecina se ejercita desnuda.
Malo: Pesa 135 Kg.
Bueno: A tu esposa le gusta el sexo al aire libre.
Malo: Viven en un multifamiliar.
Bueno: Tu esposa acaba de experimentar su primer orgasmo.
Malo: Con el cartero.
Bueno: Tu esposa tiene el estómago plano.
Malo: ¡Y el pecho tambien!
Bueno: Tu novia tiene cabello rubio, suave y largo.
Malo: Bajo el brazo.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…
Yo mama so fat that she has to use all the stalls in a public restroom at once.