Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.

One day grandpa says to grandma Why dont we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?

So they get to the motel and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up.

In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed.

She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( its been awhile ).

Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way.

My God woman he says you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!

Sediento, un cubano llega nadando a la Florida. Se mete a la primer tienda que ve y pregunta:

Oye, chico, ¿cuánto cuesta la Coca?

Calla, no lo digas tan fuerte… Vale 100 dólares el gramo, responde con nerviosismo el empleado.

¡A la madre, chico, mejor dame una Pepsi!, responde el exiliado.

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?

The father answered immediately, I dont know. Nobody has lived that long yet.

On little johnny,s 9th birthday his grandpa said johnny for your birthday im finally gonna let you go fishing with me, but you better be ready at 5 tomorrow morning. so johnny woke up at three and got ready while his mother made him a huge lunch. she put sandwiches, chips, sodas, all kinds of stuff. so johnny waits on the porch, & finally his grandpa pulls up and their off! a couple of hours pass as their on the boat fishing, and johnny heres a can open turns and says hey grandpa get have some of that beer his grandpa says well johnny, does your dick touch your asshole. johnny says no and granpa says well then you cant have none of this beer. time passes and johnny hears granpa spit so johnny asks hey granpa, can i have some of that chewin tobacca grandpa says well johnny does your dick touch your asshole johnny says no so grandpa replys well then you aint gettinnone of this tobacca. well johnny gets hungry and rolls out his huge lunch his mother packed and starts eating, well grandpa sees his lunch and asks hey johnny, can i get some of that their lunch johnny says well gandpa does your dick touch your asshole and grandpa says well actually it does so johnny says good, go fuck yourself cause you aint gettin none of this lunch!

Q: Why did God create Democrats?

A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

The Stanford Law Review runs the following quote on their masthead:

For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil there
is one chopping at the roots.

-H.D. Thoreau

On their April Fools issue they ran the following:

For every person hacking at the leaves of evil there are a thousand
smoking the stuff.

yo mommas so poor that when u asked whats for dinner she looked down at her feet and said corn

Holiday Banana Bread:

Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana

Instructions: 1 – look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.

2 – Spread well shaped legs slowly.

3 – Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.

4 – Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.

5 – Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!

6 – Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but do not lick the bowl. NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, Come on in. Ill show you around. Youll like it here.
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sams clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.
The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasnt moved in a year or two.
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, Ive seen everyones clock but President Clintons. Where is his clock?
Saint Peter smiled, Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!