Old and New Jokes

Their was this monkey in a tree smoking pot this lizard came by and said monkey what are you doing the monkey replied hey man im smoking a doobie so the lizard ask for a hit and he did after he was really thirsty so he went to the river to get a drink and fell head first in the river a crocadile saw him and swam over to the lizard the lizard told him about the monkey in the tree so the croc goes over to the monkey and says hey monkey what are you doing up their and the monkey replies DAMN how much water did you drink?

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Seas lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if youre from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what its jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cookings gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didnt have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentists Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Why wont melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?

A: They both involve sandy claws.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who cant help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, This is a clear case of Carp in tunnel syndrome.

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of car pool tunnel syndrome.

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite Ruff

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?

A: Dis-gruntled.

I heard this from a friend at Duke University:

Six year-old boy to his father: Daddy, can I have a train set?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Five years pass.
Eleven year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a ten speed bike?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Another five years passes.
Sixteen year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a car?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy: Yes, it does.
Father: Good. Then go fuck yourself.

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, Im sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg.Well, I was thrown from the ship during galeforce winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off.The interviewer was sort of disappointed. What about the hook at the end of your right arm?I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard.Again the reporter was disappointed. Certainly theres an exciting story about the patch on your eye?One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye.The reporter was amazed. Thats why you wear a patch?Well, Id only had me hook a couple of days.

Q: Whats the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

A: The taste.

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying.
What happened…why are you crying?

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically…
I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

Q: What do you call a 1000 lawyers under the sea?

A: A good start!

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.

A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise theyd heard last night was.

He replied, Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.

The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.

During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.

Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.

So, he said, Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

1. Mountain bikes dont screw around.
2. Mountain bikes dont care if its that time of the month.
3. Mountain bikes dont have parents.
4. Mountain bikes dont whine unless something is really wrong.
5. Mountain bikes dont care about professional sports.
6. You can share your mountain bike with your friends.
7. Mountain bikes dont care how many other mountain bikes youve ridden.
8. When riding, you and your mountain bike can arrive at the same
time.
9. Mountain bikes dont care if other mountain bikes look at
you.
10. Mountain bikes dont care if you look at other mountain
bikes.
11. If your mountain bike goes flat you can fix it.
12. If your mountain bike is too short you can heighten it.
13. If your mountain bike is misaligned, you dont have
to discuss politics with it.
14. You can have a black & white mountain bike and bring it home
to your parents.
15. You dont have to be jealous of other women who covet your
mountain bike.
16. If you say bad things to your mountain bike, you dont
have to apologize before you ride it again.
17. Your mountain bike wont start going until youre ready.
18. You can ride your mountain bike as long as you want
and it wont get exhausted.
19. Your mountain bike wont fall asleep after you ride it.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old
mountain bike after you dump it.
21. There is no limit to how long a mountain bike can keep going.
22. Mountain bikes dont mistrust you if youre an
experienced rider.
23. Your mountain bike never wants a night out with the
other mountain bikes.
24. Mountain bikes dont care what you wear.
25. Mountain bikes dont feel their bikehood is threatened if you
insist on driving.
26. If your mountain bike doesnt look good you can paint it
or get better parts.
27. You can ride your mountain bike the first time you meet it, without
worrying about whether it will call you back the next day.
28. You dont have to cover your mountain bike with rubber
when you ride it.
29. You dont have to worry about where your mountain bike has
been before you met it.
30. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the
last time you were on your mountain bike.