Old and New Jokes

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. "Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?""Theyre for my juggling act," the man says."I dont believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by."Man," says the first guy. "Im glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.

What are those for? she asked suspiciously.

Im a juggler, the man replied. I use those in my act.

The officer wanting to be sure so he asked Please step out of the car and show me.

So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, My God. Ive got to give up drinking! Look at the tests theyre giving now!

181. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?

A: Branch Manager.

182. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

183. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

A: Wave at her.

184. Q: What do you call a smart blond?

A: A golden retriever.

185. Q: How do you check a blondes IQ?

A: With a tire gauge.

186. Q: How does a blonde interpret

6.9?

A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

187. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

A: Oh look! Doughnut seeds!

188. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?

A: They dont have to worry about blowing their brains out.

189. Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?

A1: So they dont shit everywhere when you pull their tits.

A2: So that when you pull their tits, they dont moo.

190. Q: Why arent BLONDES good cattle herders?

A: Because the cant even keep two calves together!

191. Q: Why dont blonds breast feed?

A: Because they always burn their nipples.

192. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

193. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

A: To cover up the valve stem.

194. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: Spot.

195. Q: Whats a blonds favourite rock group?

A: Air Supply.

196. Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?

A: The back of her head.

197. Q: Why do blondes drive VWs

A: Because they cant spell PORSCHE!!

198. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?

A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

199. Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep cant bring beer from the fridge.

200. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

A2: So that when theyre on the train they can tell if theyre going to work or coming home.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.



Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.



What general direction cattywumpus is.



That gimme sugar dont mean pass the sugar.



When by and by is.



How to handle your pot likker



The best gesture of solace for a neighbor whos got trouble is a plate of cold potato salad.



The difference between purt near and a right far piece



The differences between a redneck, a good ol boy, and trailer trash.



Never to go snipe hunting twice.



Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.



You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody! But nobody!

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

I didnt sleep with my wife before I was married, said one clergyman self-righteously, Did you?

I dont know, said the other. What was her maiden name?

One morning micky mouse woke up got dressed and looked out his bedroom window oh what a beuatifull day he thought when all of a sudden he looked down in the snow and written in urin a message sayed micky sucks so he whent to the police to see who did, it the next morning the police called him and says hey mickey we have bad news and worse news , the bad news is its goofys urin , the worse news is its minnies handwriting.

Why does Hillary Clinton Wake Up At 5:30 Every Morning?

To Make Sure That She Is The First Lady!

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say mmmm … tasty!
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say Ding! at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

Q. How can you tell that Grandmas sex drive is alive and well?

A. She keeps baking those Viagra Chip Cookies!