Old and New Jokes

Two drummers walk into a bar . . . which is funny cause you would think the second one would have seen it coming!!

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET



MEN – A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS



ELEMENT: MAN



ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs



SYMBOL: EGO



DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.



OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as singles bars. Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)



PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:



1) Surface often covered with hair–bristly in some areas, soft in others.



2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense.



3) Melts if treated like a God.



4) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.



5) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.



6) Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.



CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:



1) Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed womans skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.



2) May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.



3) Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.



4) When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.



5) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.



6) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.



7) Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.



8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.



9) Is impervious to embarrassment.



10) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.

Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman?

A: A woman wont take a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

What do you call a gay Indian?

A brave sucker!

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car….

There was an Irish man , an english man and a Jew. One day there was a magic slide and if you said what you wanted while u where going down. The english man went down and said gold! and got some gold. The irish man said silver and the irish man got some silver. the Jews said WEEEEEE as he was going sown and landed in some wee

There was a new car in the market that instead of putting the gear in drive, reverse, park etc.. when you say Shema Yisrael the car stops and when you say baruch Hashem the car goes. so a person went to try it out and he liked it. so he bought it. A few years later he fell of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop, so when he was falling hre prayed to hashem and said shema yisrael. so the car stopped. then after he said Baruch Hashem!!! (that the car stopped)

You might be a redneck if…
Your wifes job requires her to wear an orange vest.

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her its not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

How long will this take?, she asks.

Theyll grow larger over a period of years, he replies.

The wife stops. Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

Worked for your butt, didnt it?, he replied…

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again….

Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle players best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.