Old and New Jokes

Yo mama gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.

Entra un tipo a un burdel y se dirige a la madama:

Buenas tardes, ¿me podría dar información?

Claro que sí, mire, tenemos en oferta a Shannon, lo llamamos el paquete inglés, que incluye 2 horas continuas, striptease personal, botella de champaña en la habitación y propinas, todo por 1,500 dólares.

Este… En realidad estaba buscando algo más económico.

Bien, tenemos entonces el paquete carioca: una hora con Marlene; lambada privada; una botella de caipirinha y propinas, todo por únicamente 850 dólares.

¿Y no tiene algo más barato?

Por 100 dólares, le ofrezco a Lupita en el paquete mexicano: una copa de tequila; 15 minutos máximo y usted paga el cuarto.

Mire, la verdad es que sólo traigo 10 dólares.

¡Por qué no me lo dijo antes! En ese caso tenemos para usted el paquete flamenco.

¿Y ése en que consiste?

¡Usted se la jala y nosotras le aplaudimos!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to santa?

What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?

You know youre a redneck when your flyswatter doubles as your spatula!

[ this is an old Irish joke, origin unknown ]

Hearing on the radio news this morning that Florida intends to
amend its indecent exposure law to allow mothers to breast feed
their babies in public, I was reminded of the following joke.

In times past in Ireland, hookers used to identify themselves by
walking the streets with one breast exposed. Usually fairly late
at night. However one morning, a woman gets off a bus and proceeds
to walk down the street with one breast uncovered.

Shes only walked a short distance when a man yells at her:
*WOMAN* – MAKE YOURSELF DECENT!

She gets a rather bemused look, and then realisation slowly hits
her: Holy Mary – I must have left the baby on the bus!

Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?

A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.

Q: Why dont they let government workers look out the window in the morning?

A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.

The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now shes history.

The Fried Chicken House is featuring a new diner. Its called the HILLARY BOX

You get two small breasts, two large thighs, and a lot of left wings.

Q: How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. Okay, the sheriff drawled, what is 1 and 1?

Eleven, she replied.



The sheriff thought to himself, Thats not what I meant, but shes right. What two days of the week start with the letter T?



Today and tomorrow.



He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.



Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?



The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, I dont know.



Well, why dont you go home and work on that one for a while?



So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. It went great! First day on the job and Im already working on a murder case!