1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9.Stud Tires Out
10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15.Eye Drops off Shelf
16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19.Shot Off Womans Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
30.War Dims Hope for Peace
31.If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35.Deer Kill 17,000
36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49.Deaf College O
What things can you never eat at breakfast?
Answer: Lunch and supper.
Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?
Answer: To hold his pants up.
Whats the main qualification for having a military funeral?
Answer: You must be dead.
Why does a chicken cross the street?
Answer: To reach the other side.
If a plane flying over the border of France and Italy crashes, where do you bury the survivors?
Answer: One does not bury survivors.
How did Stevie Wonder pierce his ears? He answered the stapler (hello? *OUCH*)
Theres this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant see a man crying.
No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring hes been out jumping new bones.
Where the hell you been all night?
she demands.
At this fantastic new saloon, he says.
The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
Bullshit! Theres no such place! Guy says, Sure there is! Joints got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinals gold! The wife still doesnt believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old mans story.
Is this the Golden Saloon?
she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
Yes it is, bartender answers.
Do you have huge golden doors?
Sure do.
Do you have golden floors?
Most certainly do.
What about golden urinals?
Theres a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!
A: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Both are empty from the neck up.
¿Por qué a algunas mujeres les gusta tanto la pelicula de Mujer Bonita?
Porque creen que van a encontrar a un hombre guapo y millonario que las quiera y que les dé todo lo que han soñado… ¡Sin importar lo putas que hayan sido!
Whats a Jewish American Princesss idea of kinky sex?
She moves.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a
boat drinking beer all day.
If guns are outlawed, what will we shoot liberals with?
Sam Midkiff