Old and New Jokes

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

11… One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

El tortugo le dice a la tortuga: oye vieja, vámonos de pic-nic ¿o.k.?

Está bien viejito, y te haré esas tortas con aguacate que tanto te gustan.

Y salen las dos tortugas con una lentitud tremenda en busca de un lugar apropiado.

Al cabo de una semana localizan un lugar pero a la turtuga no le gusta, y siguen caminando lentamente, paso a paso, hasta que por fin cuatro meses después se quedan en el lugar perfecto.

Ay viejita, con la caminata ya me dió hambre, saca las tortas de aguacate para comer ¿no?

Ay viejito, ¿qué crees?, se me olvidaron los aguacates, pero si quieres nos comemos las tortas así.

Pero tú sabes que yo no me puedo comer esas tortas sin aguacates, mejor me voy a regresar por los aguacates a la casa, pero te esperas a que yo regrese ¿eh?, no te las vayas a comer.

Pero cómo crees que no te voy a esperar, si yo tampoco me comería una torta sin aguacate.

Yo te conozco como eres de comelona… yo te conozco, pero en fin iré por los aguacates.

Y pasa una semana, un mes, dos meses, cuatro meses, cinco meses.

Ay, yo ya tengo mucha hambre y mi viejito no regresa… yo me voy a comer las tortas porque ya no aguanto.

Y cuando le iba a dar la mordida a la torta, sale el tortugo detrás de un matorral…

¡Ejele, si la muerdes no voy por los aguacates…!

A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up each nostril walks into the doctors office. The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him. Doctor, I just havent been feeling well lately. Well, I can see you are not eating right.

One of those days? I have one of those lives.

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

Oh no! he screamed, One of the engines just blew up!

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldnt maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

Say, spoke up an alert passenger, Arent those parachutes?

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?

There isnt, replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. Were going to get help.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

Lord, I have a problem!

Whats the problem, Eve?

Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but Im just not happy.

Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.

Lord, I am lonely, and Im sick to death of apples.

Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

Whats a man, Lord?

Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. Hell lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, hell give you a hard time.

But… hell be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when hes aroused, but since youve been complaining, Ill create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He wont be too smart, so hell also need your advice to think properly.

Sounds great! says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Whats the catch, Lord?

Well… you can have him on one condition.

Whats that, Lord?

As I said, hell be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring…

So youll have to let him believe that I made him first.

Just remember, its our little secret…

You know, woman to woman.

there was a new kid @ skool and he didnt get along with the teacher cuz the teacher didnt know his name and that nite he had 2 write a report and he didnt know wat to write he went by his brothers room and he was playing batman and was saying dadadadadadadadada batman then he went buy his siss room and she said peice of cake cuz her homework was ez so he wrote that down then his mother was watching wizard of oz and dorthy was singing somewhere over the rainbow he wrote that down the next day @ skool the teacher said u wats your name he said dadadadadadadada batman and she said do u know how ez it is for me to send u 2 the principals office and he said piece of cake then the teacher said where is your brain child and he said somewhere over the rainbow

You might be a redneck if…
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

[Offensive to large bodies of water]

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson,
when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea.
The man looks up to the heavens and says, Oh Lord, this is my only
grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will
not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief.

Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old mans feet.

The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, He had a hat!

A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didnt care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitred from the restaurant."Maam," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on.""Why? Im not disturbing anybody.""Maam. Youre on the skylight."