Original, conceived of after my wonderfully pregnant wifes ultrasound …
Top 5 List of Things NOT To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound
5) Thirsty?
4) Where did the extra set of arms come from?
3) Why does it look so much like a lizard?
2) So what ARE the characteristics of hermaphroditism?
1) Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.
Of course, the REAL #1 thing not to say is:
1) Honey, Ive submitted a joke about your ultrasound to rec.humor.funny …
Un gato naco y pobre y una gata fresa y presumida se encuentran:
Minina, minina ¿jugamos con el hilo?
¡Ay, qué corriente eres! No se dice hilo: se dice estambre. Y no, no quiero.
Triste, el felino se aleja, pero más tarde regresa:
Gatita, gatita ¿jugamos en el pasto?
¡Mmm, pero qué ignorante eres! No se dice pasto: se dice césped. Y no, no quiero.
El micho, todo desilusionado, se sienta enfrente de la gata. De pronto, pasa un ratón en medio de los dos y dice el gato:
Gatita, gatita, ¿cogemos al ratón?
¡Uf, pero qué naco eres! No se dice al ratón: se dice al rato y sÅ ¡sà quiero!
Un ingeniero en sistemas de una compañÃa reunió las frases o diálogos más extraños y estúpidos que ha escuchado de algunos oficinistas que no tienen idea de cómo usar una computadora y le piden ayuda. He aquà un ejemplo:
Licenciado: Hice este documento en casa, pero aquà no me carga.
Ingeniero: Bien. ¿Qué procesador de textos usaste?
Licenciado: Windows, versión 98.
Ingeniero: No, quiero decir qué programa, no el sistema operativo.
Licenciado: Windows.
Ingeniero: No. Windows es el sistema. Lo que quiero saber es el programa. Por ejemplo, puede haber sido Word Perfect, o Microsoft Word…
Al licenciado se le ilumina la cara.
Licenciado: ¡Ah, claro! fue con Microsoft Windows.
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?
The guy says, Buddy, Im six feet, 210 pounds, an ma names Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That theres Bubba. Hes 225 pounds of solid muscle and hes a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mikes a trucker who weighs 295 and hes a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?
The fella says, Naw, youre right. . . Id hate to have to explain it three times!
They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat.
When he left to discover America, he didnt know where he was going.
When he got there he didnt know where he was.
And it was all done on a government grant.
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, Hey, Dave! How ya doin? His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. Oh no, says Dave. Hes on my bowling team. When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser. No, honey, shes in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them. A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. Hi, Davey, she says, Want your usual table dance?
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!
There is a new virus going around, called work. If you receive any sort of work at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague…DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open work or even look at work have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter work via email or are faced with any work at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words Sorry…Im off to the pub. The work should automatically be deleted from your brain.
If you receive work in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the work to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that work will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then Im afraid the work virus has already corrupted your life.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
– Nice belt!
[To the tune of American Pie]
A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy theyd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I cant remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.
So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.
Well for two days weve been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But thats not how it used to be
When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla…was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.
Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts hed gotten free.
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down
They put it on the net.
He cant be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for Good Times
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.
Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyers fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free
Well I KNOW youre raking in the bucks
Cause Im reading alt.aol-sucks.
Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot.
If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord…
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.
Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devils only friend.
But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No Welcome born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.
I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if shed stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.
And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away…
And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.
And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouks ghost
They couldnt dial up the host
The day the service died.