A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. Our flag symbolizes our taxes, he said. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them. Thats the same with us, the American said, only we see stars, too!
28
Jul
28
Jul
Banta: “Yaar Santa, last night I had a wonderful dream, I saw I was getting married.â€
Santa: “Last night I also had a wonderful dream. I saw I was getting divorced.â€
28
Jul
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think wed be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you wont dress like the Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
46. What the hell is a doily?
28
Jul
I made this up while attending a party where the average IQ was on the order
of that of a small ball of lint. As you probably guessed, I left early.
Top 10 disqualifiers for consideration of relational status:
10. Uses party as a verb.
9. Knows all the words to Why Dont We Get Drunk and Screw?
8. Considers Whooooo! a valid form of expressing approval
7. Thinks quark plasma is a party drink
6. Hair mass > brain mass
5. Thinks electron transfer is a new dance step popularized by the New
Kids on the Block
4. Thinks Dr. Spock has cute pointy ears
3. Has accepted more drinks than IQ, and still isnt drunk
2. Isnt expecting to go home tonight, but is hoping for a ride in the
morning
1. Needs pronunciation guide to read the television listings
28
Jul
A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The rabbi explains: I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God.
The priest then adds: I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs.
The televangelist then proclaims: I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take.
27
Jul
Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN Im inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again.
When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of confusion.
27
Jul
Ymight be a redneck, if you clean your toilet by peein on the stains!
27
Jul
Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager.
He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.
His business manager says, Sean, whats the story? Do you need an
operation or something?
Sean Connery says, No, its just that every time I go into a public
restroom, and Im taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards
me and says,
Hey! Are you Sean Connery?
27
Jul
The Night Before Chanukah
Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels– Oy vay!
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin and tickin
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest kduchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah
Yiddishe kinder, he cried, Kenahorah!
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as Im here, Ill leave a few toys.
Come into the kitchen, Ill get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish.
With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out Gevalt!
He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
Your koshereh meals are simply delish!
As he went through the door he said See yall later
Ill be back next Pesach in time for the seder!
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and Bleibtz mir gezint
he called out cheerily into the wind.
More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!
27
Jul
WASSUP or WAZZUP howerver the hell you spell it,it still means the same thing so grab your gun and lets go hunting.