Old and New Jokes

A science class was taking a test. The test was basically identifying birds by their feet. One student looked at the test and saw row after row of nothing but bird feet.

Thats it! Im outta here! he said. He handed his blank test in to the professor.



Whats your name young man?! asked the professor angrily.



The student rolled up his pants, showing his feet.



I dont know. You tell me.

Whats the difference between the Titanic
and President Bill Clinton?

Only 350 women went down on the
Titanic.

10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.

   … and the number one thing …

1. Dilbert is not a comic strip, its a documentary.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bulldog with a Shi-Tzu.

A: A brand new breed of dog that is alert and obedient.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote. 8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctors, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve… 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, Ok, I can do better than THAT!.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sven!
Sven who?
Sven Brides for Seven Brothers!

Youve run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.

You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all thats holding it together.

People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.

Un grupo de chicas se encuentra platicando; una de ellas se dirige a las demás y, con petulancia, les pregunta:

¿Por qué le gustare tanto a los hombres? ¿Será por mi pelo?

No, responden las amigas.

Entonces, ¿será por mis ojos?

No.

¿Por mi cuerpo?

No.

Me doy, dice suspirando.

¡Acertaste!, responden todas a coro.

Im really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!

Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!



But Im really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, shed shout, My husbands home! My husbands home!



What a gal I married!



And for everyone thats still single, some notes on marriage…

…Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

…Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

…Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.

…Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

…Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

…Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: Theyre all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if theres an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big E on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why wont they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Cos sheep dont have strings.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephants sex organ?
A: His foot… If he steps on you youre FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatologist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: Can I be on top this time?

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?