Old and New Jokes

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

Use CB lingo where applicable.

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Terminate the call with, Remember, we never had this conversation.

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and youre going with the lowest bidder.

Give them your address, exclaim Oh, just surprise me! and hang up.

Answer their questions with questions.

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, PUCE.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallicas Master of Puppets CD.

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say crazy bread.

Stutter on the letter p.

Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Dominos, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Tell the order taker youre depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Change your accent every three seconds.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say Bed-Wetters Camp, right?
Start your order with Id like. . . . A little later, slap yourself and say No, I dont.

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say OK. Thatll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.

Rent a pizza.

Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Put the accent on the last syllable of pepperoni. Use the long i sound.

Have your pizza shaken, not stirred.

Say Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say Well, so is this! Youve got some explaining to do! When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, Do you know what its like to be lied to?

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Imitate the order takers voice.

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

When they say What would you like? say, Huh? Oh, you mean now.

Play a sitar in the background.

Say its your anniversary and youd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Ask to see a menu.

Quote Carl Sandberg.

Say youll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

Shout Im through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say Where was I? Who are you?

Psychoanalyze the order taker.

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

Order two toppings, then say, No, theyll start fighting.

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didnt mean it.

Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor hes fired.

Report a petty theft to the order taker.

Use expletives like Great Caesars Ghost and Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.

Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.

Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

Try to talk while drinking something.

Start the conversation with My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

Be vague in your order.

When they repeat your order, say Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.

If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

After ordering, say I wonder what THIS button on the phone does. Simulate a cutoff.

Start the conversation by reciting todays date and saying, This may be my last entry.

State your order and say thats as far as this relationship is going to get.
Ask if theyre familiar with the term spanking a pizza. Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Say Kssssssssssssssht rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

Detect the order takers psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

Perfect a celebritys voice. Stress that you wont take any crap from some two-bit cant-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

. Put them on hold.

Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

Mumble, Theres a bomb under your seat. When asked to repeat that, say I said sauce smothered with meat.

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say No mushrooms, please. Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say You just dont get it, do you?

When youge given the price, say Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.

Haggle.

Order a one-inch pizza.

Order term life insurance.

When they say Will that be all?, snicker and say Well find out, wont we?

Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

Engage in some serious swapping.

Dance all around the word pizza. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say Please dont mention that word.

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell OW! when a bullet is fired.

If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

Order a steamed pizza.

Get takers name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so. Hang up.

Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
Say, in your best pouty voice, Last guy let me do it.

President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.



Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.



All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think its ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)



And to do my part, Im buying stickers for all women who participate.



Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!



Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.



The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yukon!
Yukon who?
Yukom say that again!

I used to live for sex

Now Id die for some

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Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.

Theres a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, whos 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.

That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dogs ghost, demanding for his tail back.

The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said:

Dont give it back! Dont give it back!

Why? asked the man.

Youre not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, People, people were not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

2. On a Continental Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, Ladies and gentlemen, weve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

3. On landing, the stewardess said, Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If youre going to leave anything, please make sure its something wed like to have.

4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane

5. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised.

9. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but well try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

11. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.

12. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses.

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump, and I know what yall are thinking. Im here to tell you it wasnt the airlines fault, it wasnt the pilots fault, it wasnt the flight attendants fault, it was the asphalt.

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!

16. Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question? Why, no, Maam, said the pilot. What is it? The little old lady said, Did we land, or were we shot down?

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

19. Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of US Airways.

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light em, you can smoke em.

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, Thats nothing. You should see the back of mine.

Yo mama so fat that when she goes to Sea World, people throw fish at her.

A truck driver was drivingalong on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars arebacked up for miles. Finally, a police car comesup. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands onhis hips and says, "Got stuck huh?" The truck driver says,"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Holland!
Holland who?
Holland you going to make me wait out here!