Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

La mujer le dice a este último que salte por la ventana. Como eran cerca de las siete de la mañana, y dado que el amante no alcanzó a vestirse, para disimular se pone a trotar con un grupo que hacía deportes en el parque.

Sorprendidos los demás trotadores, uno lo mira y le pregunta:

¿Sin tenis?

Sí, es para mejor ventilación de los pies.

¿Sin camiseta?

Sí, es para mejor ventilación de las axilas.

¿Sin pantalones ni calzoncillos?

Sí, es para mayor agilidad.

¡Ah! Comprendo. Entonces el condón lo lleva por si llueve…

Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?

Its called I Cant Believe Its Not Jesus!

Here I sit Same as ever



Dirty arse, got no paper



Boss is calling,



Can not linger



Stuff it, Ill use me finger

The Pentagon is a building with four walls and a spare.

Q: Why did the blond jump off the bridge?

A: To see if her maxipad really had wings..

If you get in my way, Ill kill you! – ideal project manager

If you get in my way, youll kill me! – somewhat less than ideal project manager

If I get in my way, Ill kill you! – somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, Ill kill you! – A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you. – dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can! – messianic project manager

Get away, Ill kill us all! – suicidal project manager

If you kill me, Ill get in your way. – thoughtful but ineffective project manager

If I kill you Ill get in your way. – project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm. – project manager from New York

I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed. – project manager who is about to get in big trouble

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares? – weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, youll get your way. – pragmatic project manager

Kill me, its the only way. – every project manager to date.

If we get in each others way, who will get killed? – An utterly confused manager

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

Well, she said. The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnsons arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.

And the boss said, And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?

This big rough lookin cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up bottle after bottle of rottgutt liquor and proceeds to get really wasted…In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool…

Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides hes had just about enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar.

He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow.

This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar, slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. JUST WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!

After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 610 tall, pure muscle…

He says to the cowboy, I did, so what do you got to say about it, boy!!!

The cowboy looks back at this guy and says Oh, I was going to let you know the first coat of paint is dry.