When Socrates sat under a tree attending to his followers problems, his wife (dont know if he really had one), raced towards him and started shouting at him and cursing him for something.
Socrates just smiled at her and continued speaking to his followers. The wife got real mad and poured a vessel full of water on Socrates.
Socrates quipped, After thunder, it rains.
A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking
beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with
busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight
to Hell.
When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in
agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
Well, sir, were from Texas, and were used to the heat, says one.
This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its
highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. Ill
check on them in the morning and see how they like this. He
snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans camp site, and
sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken
off their 10 gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even
rolled up his sleeves.
Well, sir, explains a Texan, when you have been on a cattle drive
in Lubbock during August, this aint hardly nothing.
The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red. Those damn Texans seem
immune to heat, lets see what happens when I turn off the
heat, he says as he heads to the thermostat. Ill check on them
tomorrow.
So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans campsite, and they
are all whoopin and hollerin and drinkin the beers from the ice
chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them
with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are
partyin like there is no tomorrow.
I dont get it, the Devil says, completely defeated. I tried to
roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you
are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you
celebrating?
A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, Look
around! Hell is frozen over. Thats just gotta mean there is another
Bush in the White House.
Two brothers, Ying and Yang, wandering down a street in America with arms full of purchases and cameras swinging from their necks, one of the brothers slips into the bank to exchange 30,000 yen into dollars.
Ying: I wan to change 30,000 yen for dollar, bow much I get?
Teller: Oh, you will get $8000.
Ying: ‘Fank you very much.
Teller: Youre welcome, and hands Ying the $8000.
Ying and Yang carry on doing copious amounts of shopping until Yang says he is a little low on local currency.
So Ying told Yang to go to the same bank and get a good deal. So off Yang goes.
Yang: I wan to change 30,000 yen for dollar. Now much I get?
Teller: Oh, you will get $6000.
Yang: Only $6000! But how cum my broffer, just a few hour ago, get $8000?
Teller: Fluctuations.
Yang: Well, fluck you Yankees too!
Question: Why dont sharks bite lawyers?
Answer: Professional courtesy.
Question: If a skunk and a lawyer both get hit by cars and are lying in the middle of the road, how do you tell them apart?
Answer: The skunk has skid marks in front of it.
Se encontraba una noche el conde Drácula muy atareado reparando su ataúd.
Igor.
Dime, mi señor.
Pásame el destornillador (desarmador).
Un rato después, llega Igor con el encargo, y Drácula grita, cubriéndose el rostro con los brazos:
¡Ay! ¡Aghhh! ¡El de cruz no, estúpido!
Llega un dÃa Manolo del trabajo y la esposa, que lo esperaba, le dice:
¡Ay, mi vida! ¿Por qué no arreglas esa llave del agua? Mira como gotea.
UbÃcate mi amor, yo no soy plomero, contesta Manolo.
Al otro dÃa, era la puerta la que no abrÃa bien, y la esposa le solicita:
Oye, mi amorcito, la puerta no quiere abrir bien, ¿por qué no arreglas ese picaporte?
UbÃcate mi amor, yo no soy cerrajero.
Al tercer dÃa, era una gotera en el techo la que urgÃa reparar, por lo que la infortunada mujer le reclama al marido:
Oye corazón, ¿por qué no arreglas esa gotera? ¡Pues no es cosa de estar con el agua encima!
UbÃcate mi amor, yo no soy albañil.
A la semana, llega Manolo del trabajo y, ¡oh, milagro!, se encuentra con que la llave del agua ya no goteaba; el picaporte funcionando de maravillas y de la gotera del techo no quedaba ni el recuerdo. Muy contento se acerca a su mujer y le pregunta cómo habÃa resuelto todo eso. Ni corta ni perezosa, la esposa le responde:
¿Te acuerdas del vecino del primer piso, el que siempre nos saluda al pasar? Pues me ofreció arreglarme todas las cosas descompuestas. Y yo a cambio, tenÃa dos opciones: o le preparaba un buen postre para la cena, o él se daba por bien servido con hacer el amor conmigo.
Bueno, ¿y cómo resolviste eso? ¿Te quedó rico el postre?
¡UbÃcate mi amor: yo no soy repostera!
Man, Im starting to get a rush from this frankincense!
You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like goat.
You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.
What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?
Hey, do you either of you know why MYRRH is spelled with a Y instead of a U?
Okay, whose camel just spit?
All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.
What does SWM stand for in a personal column advertisement?
Sneaking While Married
Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
A blonde calls up the fire department to report a fire at her house. The person on the other end says,stay calm mam. Now how do we get there? The blonde replies,Duhh! Big red truck!