Old and New Jokes

I guy comes running into his home to greet his wife. Hunney, hunney, pack your bags, I just won the lottery. She gasps with excitement and replies, should i pack for warm or cold weather? he replies, I dont care, just get the fuck out.

Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.

Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadnt been assigned this crap detail hed be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was on point now.

The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.

Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old mans car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing its job.

Outta the car, old man! demanded Redding. But officer, I havent had anything to drink! complained the old boy. Sure, you havent, oldtimer, sure you havent, replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown.

At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didnt move. What the…YOU havent been drinking, old timer!

But thats what I tried to tell you back there, officer! Well then why were you stumbling all over the place? asked Redding. Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the designated drunk when the place closed down!

A travelling salesmans car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He gets out and tries to find something close by — and comes upon a farm. Not believing his luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers.

Sir, says the salesman. Could you help me? My cars broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night.

Sure, says the farmer. But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there.

Oh, crap, says the salesman. Im in the wrong joke.

With the hunchback still dead, and his no-armed replacement still dead, the church leader still needs a bell ringer. He posts a sign outside the church and another no-armed man shows up to take the job.

The frustrated church leader says, The last no-armed guy died trying to ring this bell, what makes you think you can do it?

The no-armed man says, Ive been without my arms since birth and therefore have much more experience. Besides, I desperately need the job to feed my family.

The church leader, feeling sorry for the man, says, OK give it a try.

And, as expected, the no-armed man tries to pull the rope with his teeth, stumbles and falls to his death.

The church leader rushes down to the sidewalk just as a policeman arrives. The policeman says, OK, this is two deaths in two days. Does anybody know who this guy is?

The church leader says, Im sorry, I didnt ask, but hes a dead ringer for the guy who was in here yesterday!

Two guys are in a bar and the guy says to his friend, I wanna lose 10 pounds.

His friend says, Okay give me one hundred dollars.

The guy gives him the money and leaves the bar.

A day later a hot chick is in the guys front yard. She says, If you can catch me, I will have sex with you.

The guy chases her around for an hour and loses 10 pounds.

The next day a guy tells the first guys friend, I wanna lose 20 pounds.

The friend says, Okay give me two hundred dollars.

The second guy gives the friend the money and leaves.

The next day a hot chick is in the second guys yard.

She says, If you can catch me you can have sex with me.

The second guy chases her around for two hours and loses 20 pounds.

The next day a fast olympic athlete tells the guys friend he wants to lose 30 pounds.

The guys friend thinks and then finally says, Okay give me three hundred dollars.

The athlete gives him the money and leaves.

The next day theres a 10 foot tall, male gorilla in his yard with a sign that says, If I catch you, you have to have sex with me.

Heres the next installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive to the politically correct, the differently abled, Bill Clinton and his fans, and liberal apologists):

Thursday nights programs:

The Simpsons:

For his Eagle Scout community service project, Bart develops a workable plan to convert Springfields nuclear power plant into a solar facility.

Guest voice: Vice President Al Gore.

Ratings: S/MU, WW, RPSE.

American Playhouse: Young Mr. Clinton:

In a performance entitled Doobie-ous Battle, while protesting the Vietnam War in England, Bill smokes marijuana without inhaling. Part 12 of 15.

Next week: To Russia with Love.

Ratings: S/MU, ISS, PCMM.

L.A. Law:

Douglas finally signs on to a plan to turn McKenzie-Brackman into a non-profit legal defense clinic. Stuart realizes the political justification of his beating during the L.A. riots and agrees to represent his attackers when the state brings new charges against them. Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, Benny makes partner.

Ratings: S/MU, ALG, RPSE.

Ratings key:

S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift;

ISS: implied safe sex;

WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem;

ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt;

VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy;

PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message;

RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.

From the April 1994 issue of *Reason* magazine. Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.

Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.

A blonde says to a brunette, Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.



The brunette says, Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.

——————



A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.

The doctor examined her and said, You have acute appendicitis.



The blond yelled at the doctor…

I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!

——————



A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.

The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.



So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.



After 15 minutes of this, the blondes blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.



Im trying to pop out this dent, but its not really working.



Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!

An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.