Old and New Jokes

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________

(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – OR – Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge

____ (b) lead an army or

____ (c) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)

____ (a) Jewish

____ (b) Catholic

____ (c) Hindu

____ (d) Polish

5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in Americas far NORTH called?

____ (a) Westerners

____ (b) Southerners

____ (c) NORTHerners

9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)

_______________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.

Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?

____ (a) Wall Mart

____ (b) Kmart

____ (c) Canada

____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity?

____ (a) yes

____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.

16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?

____ (a) Minnnesota

____ (b) Florida

____ (c) Canada

____ (d) Wisconsin

18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?

____ (a) B.C

____ (b) A.D.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

(2) Advising the President.

(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

–David Letterman

A brunette says to a blonde Look! A dead bird! and the blonde looks up and says Where?

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old mans peanuts. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to taking the peanuts.

Thats okay, the old man replies after a moment. Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocalate off the M&Ms.

En una llanura sin espesura surgen tres personajes que son: el diablo, el arcángel San Miguel, y un viejo pastor:

Sale el diablo padrotamente vestido de rojo, diciendo:

Yo por estos montes diviso gente acostada. ¿Quién hijos de la chingada habitáis en estos montes?

Un viejo pastor al escucharlo, le contesta:

Yo soy el viejo pastor, que las montañas albergan y no me importa que seas el diablo: a mí me pelas la verga.

El diablo, enojado, responde:

¡Cállese, escuincle gritón, no le hable así a su padre! ¡Quítese lo valentón, y váyase a chingar a su madre!

Contesta el viejo pastor:

En verdad que eres infante y no le temo al fuerte rojo. No me importa que seas el diablo: ¡Yo a los diablos me los cojo!

El diablo enfurecido se abalanza para agarrarlo a punta de chingadazos cuando, de repente, surge (¿quién, si no?) ¡El arcángel San Miguel!

¡Detente Satán maldito! ¡No abuses de tu poder! Que si a este pendejo quieres joder, ¡a mí me pelas el pito!

El diablo queda perplejo con la aparición y se dice para si:

Este pinche pastor me apantalla y hasta me hace ver visiones. Le voy a poner en su madre y a bajarle los calzones.

A lo que el arcángel San Miguel contesta:

¡Ninguna visión, cabrón, del meritito cielo vengo, y con esta verga que tengo, te voy a dejar panzón!

Los dos se enfrentan en cruenta batalla, donde surgen cocolazos, fregadazos y guamazos. Al final, el diablo todo madreado, le dice al arcángel:

¡Venciste, Miguel, venciste! Guarda ya tu larga espada; ahora sé que me venciste y me voy a la chingada.

Entre porras y rechiflas se cierra el telón. Si esta obra te gustó, ríete no seas cabrón. Y si después de la oída no te gustó la puntada… como dice San Miguel:

¡Vete mucho a la chingada!

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldnt because she didnt have any clothes on. He replies, Take my shoe and cover yourself with it, and go for help!She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us? The clerk replies, Im sorry, I think hes too far in.

Why was the dress moved to different locations?

What comes around goes around.

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?

A: Butter is difficult to spread.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says Why the long face?

A farmhand is driving round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, Ive got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and hes stuck in thebull-bars of my truck. Hes still wriggling — what should I do? "In the back of your truck theres a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.""So whats the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"