After a few years of married life, an engineer finds he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him This is all in your mind. and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, I can cure this. He throws powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says This is a powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 123 and it will rise as long as you wish!
The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens when its over?
The witch doctor says All you or your partner has to say is 1234 and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says 123, and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says What did you say 123 for?
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old indian. Above the old indian was a sign that read, $5.00 – If I cant tell you where youre from, Ill pay you $50.00!.
The young man watched a cowboy approach the indian and ask, Is the sign right?.
The indian says, yes.
The cowboy hands him a five and says, youre on!
The indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, youre from Wyoming!.
The cowboy shakes his head and says, Ill be darned! Youre right! and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The indian says, youre from Montana!
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides hes going to give the indian a run for the money. He goes into the mens room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the indian. He hands the indian a five dollar bill and says, do your stuff!
The indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled.
The young man is now thinking hes gone one up on the indian.
The indian says, Youre from Texas!
The young man gets really upsent and cant for the life of him figure out how the indian could know that, so he asks, How in the world did you know Im from Texas?
The indian replies, by the wool on your zipper!
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
– David Bissonette
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Im an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
– Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
– Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just cant face each other, but still they stay together.
— Hemant Joshi
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
– Lana Turner
Marriage is a great institution, but Im not ready for an institution.
– Mae West
I was married by a judge…I should have asked for a jury.
– George Burns
Unknown Author Quotes
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore …
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 a minute.
Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A: A new age song.
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, I vould like some blood.
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, I vould like some blood.
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, I vould like some plasma.
The waitress looks up and says, Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?
Whats the difference between Monica Lewinski and a vacuum cleaner?
Mouthwash.
Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A: You dont, you see if youve got 3 condoms.
This one was told to me by a rather strange acquaintance the other night.
Have you heard about South African chess? Its a variation on standard chess.
The object is to capture the black bishop. Of course, thats not very
difficult, as only the white pieces are allowed to move.
You can usually find someone to do it with.
If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
When you open a book, you dont have to worry about who else has opened it.
A little coffee and you can do it all night.
If you dont finish a chapter you wont gain a reputation as a book teaser.
You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
You dont get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
You dont have to put your beer down to do it.
If you arent sure what youre doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
A man goes up to an ATM machine. After entering his PIN, another man comes up behind him and tells him to withdraw $500. The man says that he doesnt have any money and was just checking his account balance. He shows the robber by checking his account balance. Sure enough, the ATM shows that there is no money. The robber curses and flees.
The man then reaches into his vest pocket and withdraws an envelope filled with cash and deposits it.