Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. Ill bet youre back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive, said the beaming boy to his old man. Nope, came dads reply, Im gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.
12
Jun
11
Jun
President Clinton and his wife are at the first baseball game of the season. At the start of the game the pitcher comes up in the stands and whispers something in Clintons ear.
All of a sudden Clinton looks at Hillary and yells, Okay, Hillary, GET OUT!.
She looks surprised but leaves.
The pitcher looks at Clinton and says, No, I said to throw out the first PITCH!
11
Jun
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
11
Jun
Two buddies are bull-shiting over a few beers when one of them says something that would be considered a Freudian slip. He also recalls his the last slip he had where he asked the gorgeous big breasted travel agent for two Pickets to Titsburgh.
His buddy says, yeah I know what you mean, last week while at breakfast with my wife, I meant to say, honey please pass the milk.
But what came out of my mouth was, You Fucking Bitch, you ruined my Life.
11
Jun
A man went into the proctologists office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctors desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for…but whats the BEER for?
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!
11
Jun
The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shit faced. A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhands wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, youve got work to do.
Cant, mumbled Tex. Too beat. Too tired. Cant even lift my head.
Get the hell up! she screamed in his ear. Ive seen you this hungover a thousand times.
Last night was different, said the wretched fellow. Some son of a bitch cut my horses head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!
11
Jun
Theres a woman and two men. The woman says she is the most beatiful
person in the world. The first man says that he is the strongest man on
the earth. The second man says that he has had the most sex in the world.
But then all three disagree about one another and so the three go to the
wizard. The woman went in and asked the wizard if she is the most beatiful
woman in the world and the wizard said that she was. Then the first man
went in and asked the wizard if he was the stongest man in the world and
the wizard that he was. Then the second man went in and asked the wizard
if he had the most sex in the world,but instead the second may came out
and said Who is Bill Clinton?
11
Jun
Dont think of it as overwhelming numbers, think of it as a wide selection
of targets.
11
Jun
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.
The woman reporter shouted out This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!. Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, I bet you $50 that the mans gonna jump! The blonde responds back Thats a bet you have there!.
So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin, i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff.
And the blonde says Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!
11
Jun
If youre an American when youre out of the bathroom, what are you when youre IN the bathroom?
European! (Youre a Peein)
And if you really gotta go bad?
Russian!