Old and New Jokes

What the 24th century would be like under todays management
techniques.

After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher
begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel
while Worf slaughters everyone he considers weak.

Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his
positronic brain isnt properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhns
record keeping as hes stripped for parts.

All members of the ships maintenance crew are required to be
involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes
them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core
breach that kills everyone.

Commander Riker is fired after a round of right sizing. Star
Fleet decided that it didnt really need someone to seduce alien
females and smirk a lot.

As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Picard is
forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.

Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg Team Building methods
and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer
interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel
disability claims.

The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with
Star Fleet Command because theyre still running an old version
of Windows and cant get budget approval for the upgrade.

As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered
to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life
forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is
introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties
Using No-longer-produced Shows).

Picard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training
after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the
Ferengis, the Q, and the Romulans.

A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ships
counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing
weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were
conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.

The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance
reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times,
theyre still only getting 3% raises.

If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat; if its up, put it down.

Dont cut your hair, ever.

Sometimes, were not thinking about you. Live with it.

Get rid of your cat.

Sunday = Sports.

Anything you wear is fine, really.

Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.

Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult that peeing from point blank
range. Were bound to miss sometimes.

Yes, and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

If you dont dress like the Victoria Secret girls, dont expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad and angry, then we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to appear.

You can either ask us to do something or tell how you want it
done – not both.

Christopher Columbus didnt need directions, and neither do we.

You have enough clothes.

Nothing says I love you like sex.

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, Relatives of yours? Yep, the husband replied. In-laws.

This is a sign I have had in my computer room for some time
now. Its a laminated xerox and Im not sure where it came
from, but I think its pretty funny. Some people actually
ask what language it is in. Have fun 🙂

###
## #### # # ##### # # # # #### ###
# # # # # # # # # ## # # # ###
# # # ###### # # # # # # # #
###### # # # # # # # # # # ###
# # # # # # # # # # ## # # ###
# # #### # # # #### # # #### ###

ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS

Das computenmachine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und
mittengrabben. Is easy schnappen der springwerk, blownfusen,
und poppenoorken mit spittzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken
by das dummkopfen.

Das rubbernecken signtseeren keepen hands in das
pockets–relaxen und watch das blinkenlights.

The recent spate of funny doctors names forces me
to publish this test that all of you must pass to
remain on dl.humor. If you do not garner a passing
score, you will be automatically purged from the dlist.

Good luck to most of you. To those of you who think
these names are actually funny, I know you will fail
to qualify, and I can look forward to a JUNKMAIL folder
with less deadwood.

Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the road? A: "Yahoo!"

Q: How many counter-tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, and four women to say, I could have done it better.

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

> > > A small town prosecuting attorney called his first > > > witness to the stand in > > > a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He > > > approached her and asked, Ms. > > > Jones, do you know me? > > > She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. > > > Williams. Ive known you since > > > you were a young boy, and frankly, youve been a big > > > disappointment to me. > > > You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate > > > people and talk about > > > them behind their backs. You think youre a rising > > > big shot when you > > > havent the brains to realize you never will amount > > > to anything more than a > > > two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

> > > > > > The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, > > > he pointed across the > > > room and asked, Ms. Williams, do you know the > > > defense attorney?

She > > > again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. > > > Bradley since he was a > > > youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his > > > parents. And he, too, has > > > been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, > > > bigoted, and has a > > > drinking problem. The man cant build a normal > > > relationship with anyone and > > > his law practice is one of the worst in the entire > > > state. Not to mention he > > > cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, > > > I know him.

The > > > defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. > > > > > > At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to > > > silence and called both > > > counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he > > > said with menace, If > > > either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, > > > youll be jailed for > > > contempt!