Old and New Jokes

Q: What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma? A: Carry-Oakies

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.  For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.  Dont burden him with chores.  Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.   No nagging.  And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.  If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.  "What did the doctor say?"

“He said youre going to die,"  she replied.

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an expletive. Those that werent expletives, were to say the least, rude.David tried hard to improve the parrots attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example…Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just became more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David shoved the parrot into the freezer.For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.David became frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Davids extended arm and said, I do believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.David was astonished at the parrots change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, May I ask what the chicken did?

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. Hed always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought hed become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited his results. The day he received the results, he got quite a surprise — he got 150%. He quickly phoned the instructor and asked about the high mark. The instructor said, “No, thats right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine — a very thorough job. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it — a fantastic job really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the tail pipe.”

Ralph is driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that its
his daughters birthday and he hasnt bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop
assistant, How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she asks, Which Barbie?

She continues, We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes
to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes
to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.00.

Ralph asks, Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others
are only $19.95?

Thats obvious, the sales lady replies. The Divorced Barbie comes
with Kens house, Kens car, Kens boat, and Kens furniture.

Brussels police department, how may I assist you?

Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.

Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?

No.

Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?

Bill Gates.

Country?

The USA.

Native language?

English.

Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?

Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.

Weve had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?

Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I dont see any custard, so I really dont think it was a custard pie.

Have you visited the Prime Minister before?

Yes.

Were you hit in the face with a pie then?

No.

Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?

Yes.

Any pies then?

No.

Okay, well.. lets try something. Go outside the building and come in again. Ill wait.

Just a minute.. Okay, Im back.

Did you get hit by another pie?

Of course not.

Well sir, I dont know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. Ill make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. (click)

From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and Jim Griffith.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. You arent so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. What took you so long to answer? I was in bed. What were you doing in bed this late? Getting a second opinion.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.

A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you cant fix it.)

With an E-Wok.