Old and New Jokes

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?

One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping!

I wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I wont rise to the occasion, but Ill slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I dont suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where theres a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Two rules to success in life: 1. Dont tell people everything you know.

A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.

Draft beer, not people!

I think, therefore Im paid.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, The bad news is that now that weve caught you, were going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says, I take ze poison. The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, Vive la France! and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, A pistol for me, please. The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, God save the queen! and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, Gimme a fork. The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over –the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Theres blood gushing out all over, its horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, What are you doing???

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, So much for your canoe, asshole!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thatcher!
Thatcher who?
Thatcher could get away with it!

The patients family gathered to hear what the specialist had to say.
Things dont look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.

Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relatives.
For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patients daughter was unsatisfied and asked,
Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?

A standard pricing practice, said the head of the team. Womens brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used.