Old and New Jokes

Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…

This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no
*man* has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter,
cook, and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome
dark young man engaged in playful activities with 8-9 beautiful, dark,
young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the
Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his
guide who this man was.

He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake,
Sir, came the reply, This is his morning ritual.

Ask him, the awed Brit said to his companion, how did his penis get to
be this size?

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very
agitated by the conversation.

Well, what did he say? asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

He said, Theres nothing wrong with my penis. Doesnt the white mans
shrink in cold water?

You might be a redneck when you say ho-down and your girlfriend hits the ground.

After marrying a much younger woman, a 93-year-old man visited his doctor and announced that they were expecting a baby.
Let me tell you a story, said the doctor. An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a lion charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the lion, he shot and killed the animal on the spot.
Impossible! exclaimed the old man. Somebody else must have shot!
Exactly, replied the doctor.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, May I help you, sir?
The duck says, Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Leland!
Leland who?
Leland of the free and the home of the brave!

You cant be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. – Frank Zappa.

Always do sober what you said youd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. – Ernest Hemingway.

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. – Winston Churchill.

He was a wise man who invented beer. – Plato.

Time is never wasted when youre wasted all the time. – Catherine Zondonella.

A woman drove me to drink and I didnt even have the decency to thank her. – W. C. Fields.

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it. – Churchills reply.
Sir, youre drunk! – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Yes madam, and youre ugly. But in the morning I will be sober. – Churchills reply.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. – David Daye.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. – Jack Handy.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. – Dave Barry.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart.

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. – David Moulton.

People who drink light beer dont like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot. – Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. – Kaiser Wilhelm.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. – Homer Simpson.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. – Unknown

I drink to make other people interesting. – George Jean Nathan.

They who drink beer will think beer. – Washington Irving.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

Youre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. – Dean Martin.

All right, brain, I dont like you and you dont like me – so lets just do this and Ill get back to killing you with beer. – Homer Simpson.

Estaban una vez Jesús reunido con sus discípulos en el cielo discutiendo el problema de las drogas en el mundo. Entonces propone Pedro:

Vayamos a la Tierra y que cada uno de nosotros traiga una droga diferente, la analizamos y buscamos una solución.

Perfecto, dice Jesús.

Pues se van los discípulos a la Tierra y a las horas llega el primero y toca la puerta del cielo.

¿Quien es? pregunta Jesús.

Soy Juan.

¿Y qué traes?

Mariguana de Jamaica.

Ah, pasa.

Luego vuelven a tocar la puerta.

¿Quien es? vuelve a preguntar Jesús.

Somos nosotros, Lucas y Marcos.

¿Y qué traen?

Cocaína de Colombia y Crac de Japón.

Ah, pasen.

Una vez más tocan a la puerta.

¿Quien es? pregunta Jesús.

Soy Judas.

¿Y qué traes?

¡A los del FBI, hijos de puta, todos contra la pared!

The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.

Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs