Old and New Jokes

Santa, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde ran a race. Who won?

Santa flys, not runs, there arent any smart blondes, so the dumb blonde it must be!

Three newlywed couples were having breakfast together at the honeymoon hotels restaurant. When the food finally arrived, the first husband, eager to display his love for his bride said, Pass the honey, honey.Not to be outdone, the second husband said Pass the sugar, sugar.The third wife looked at her husband, expecting similar treatment. Not to be outdone he blurted out Pass the pork, pig.

3 Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten. The first one says: I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick. The second shark says: Thats nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Jelzin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that Im still drunk. The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still cant dive!

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One–she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks.

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitors closet) And they say romance is dead…
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time… right?

Person 2: Yeah… today.
(In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
On second thought, lets turn off the lights.
And to think – I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope youre as good looking when Im sober…
(Holding a banana) Its just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth…
Smile, youre on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
Youre good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I dont know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel…
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldnt work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really… I do this part better myself!
Its nice being in bed with a woman I dont have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people.
Youre almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps youre just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
Theyre not cracker crumbs, its just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you…
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didnt even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession…
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
Youll still vote for me, wont you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
Ill tell you who Im fanatasizing about if you tell me who youre fantasizing about…
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic – dont you?
Q: You can cook, too right?

A: (Whaddaya think Im doin?)
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…

Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen Fatal Attraction?
Sorry about the name tags, Im not very good with names.
Dont mind me… I always file my nails in bed.
(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didnt forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Dont worry, my dogs really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry, but I dont do toes!
You could at least act like youre enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said no!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
Ill bet you didnt know I work for The Enquirer.
So thats why they call you MR. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer!
Is this a sin too?
Ive slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses…
Please understand that Im only doing this for a raise…
How long do you plan to be almost there?
You mean youre not my blind date?

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husbands attention, hed just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported Goony bird and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, Goony bird! The table!

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, Goony bird! The shelf!

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

Wow! said the wife, If this doesnt attract my husbands attention, nothing will! So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. Honey! she exclaimed, Ive got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, Goony Bird, my foot!

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God made him a woman !!

A pig walks into a bar and says to the bartender Can I have a pint of beer please



The bartender says Certainly sir, thats £1.80 please



And the pig goes Well, the thing is before I cam here Id just been to the fair and I went on all the rides, I went on the roundabout and I went round and round and round and then I went on the waltzes and I just went round and round and round and then I went on the helter skelter and I just kept going round and round and round and I think all my money must have fallen out of my pockets.



And the bartender goes Well thats all very well but why the round tale/tail?

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, Youre lucky that you dont have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker. Janet responded. Just because I am aesthetically challenged (thats politically correct for ugly) doesnt mean I dont have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances. Hillary asks, Well how do you deal with the problem? Janet, Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can. Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, Is that you Janet?