It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboys horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
Hold on there, partner, said the snake, dont shoot- Im an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you dont shoot me, Ill give you any three wishes you want.
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snakes striking range. He said, OK, first, Id like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, Id like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, Id like sexual equipment like this here horse Im riding.
The rattlesnake said, All right, when you get back to the bunk house youll have all three wishes.
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted…
Oh My God… I was riding the MARE!
A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light next to a Police Officer on a horse.
The Police Officer asked the boy Did Santa bring you that new bike? the boy replied Yes!
It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of your bike said the Police Officer, The next time I see you there better be reflextors on your bike! said the Police Officer.
The little boy replied Yes Sir.
Officer, can I ask you a question? said the little boy.
Yes, said the Officer.
Did Santa bring you that horse? asked the boy.
Yes he did! said the officer.
Oh, if I ever get a horse Im going to ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top!!!! said the boy.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
The blonde said How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?
The man replied, She should. She was standing on the porch.
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
Youre finished already? he asked. Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.
A blonde goes to a electronics store n asks to buy that t.v. the shop keeper replies no so she goes home n dies hair brown she goes back the next day n says can i buy that t.v. the shop keeper says no your that blonde from yesterday so she goes home n dies her hair black n goes bk to the shop to weeks l8ter n says can i buy that t.v. the shop keeper says no your that blonde from two weeks a go she replies how do u know he replies its not a t.v. its a microwave.
Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks, Honey, could you fix the front steps? Theyre ready to collapse.
He sighs and says, After the game, Flo.
Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game. Well, could you fix the light in the hall? Its been flickering for weeks.
He sighs and says, Darn it, Flo, Im a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it.
Flo counters: Can you fix the fridge door, then? It wont shut.
Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says, You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?
She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent. I need to cool down, he says. Im going out.
Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and drinks for about an hour. After a couple beers, he starts to feel guilty about treating Flo so poorly. He returns home and notices the front steps have been repaired. He walks into the hall and sees the hall light working perfectly. He opens the fridge to grab a beer. The fridge door has been fixed, too.
He finds his wife and says, Honey, howd you fix all this stuff?
She smiles and says, After you left, I sat outside and cried. This nice young man was passing by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything for me. All I had to do in return was make love to him or bake him a cake.
Jerry nodded, appreciatively. What kind of cake did you bake?
Flos smile widened. Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.
Seven Software Companies Added To Watch List
New York — People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced
today that seven more software companies have been added to the groups watch
list of companies that regularly practice software testing.
There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies
like these can market new products, said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS.
Alternative methods of testing these products are available.
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and
arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are
assigned to break the software by any means necessary, and inside sources
report that they often joke about torturing the software.
Its no joke, said Grandola. Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and crashed for hours on end. They spend
their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously
deleted when theyre not needed anymore.
Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with
bugs.
We know that alternatives to this horror exist, he said, citing industry giant
Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting
to software testing.
A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.
The genie says, For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!
The man thinks for a minute, and says, I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. Im scared of flying and tend to get seasick.
The genie replies, My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. Im sorry, but it just cant be done. Please choose another wish!
The man thinks for a minute, and says, I want to be able to understand women.
The genie pauses for a moment and says –
So, this bridge you want…two lanes or four?
One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns.
She said, There was a man in the convent last night. 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee.
The head nun goes on, We found a condom in the garden. Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes
hee hee hee.
The head nun continues There was a hole in that condom. 99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.
Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west, a woman walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realised that she was not in the general store so she started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to the woman, Come on over, Maam, sit yerself down right here next to me and have yerself a drink.
Thank you kindly Sir, but Im afraid that I couldnt, replied the woman, on account that I need to get bread.
The cowboy replied, Uh, Maam, I do reckon you came to the right place for that!