Old and New Jokes

This farmer had a sick cow, and the vet prescribed a daily suppository. The farmers method for administering the prescription was to insert an aluminum tube into the cows rear and blow the suppository in.One day the farmer was too sick to attend his cow, so he asked his hired hand to take care of the cow. The hired hand took the tube, and turned it around before he blew the supository into the cow. The farmers horrified wife, who was standing nearby watching, asked the hired hand why he had turned the tube in the cows rear around.He exclaimed What! Should I have put it from your husbands mouth into mine?!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jose!
Jose who!
Jose can you see…!

En un concurso para hallar el nombre más corto del mundo, se encontraban un chino, un japonés y un mexicano. Llaman al chino y le preguntan su nombre.

Me llamo O.

Casi todos los espectadores dan por hecho que el hombre aquel ya ganó. Entonces pasa el japonés y dice su nombre:

Casio.

El público asegura: ¡Órale, este nipón ya ganó!

Cuando le toca el turno de decir su nombre al mexicano, éste dice:

Pues yo me llamo Nicasio.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speakers circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.



One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.





I have and idea, boss, his chauffeur said. Ive heard you give this speech so many times. Ill bet I could give it for you.





Einstein laughed loudly and said, Why not? Lets do it!





When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeurs cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einsteins speech and even answered a few questions expertly.





Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobodys fool.





Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun dont shine.

As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. I could help but notice you as you got off your horse. Thats quite an unusual ritual.

Yep, replied the cowboy. I got me some bad chapped lips.

And that cures them? asked the townsman.

Nope, but it keeps me from lickin em.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, hed give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, What is the answer to your question?

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping
done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season
right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my
car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a
receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my
steps to the shopping centre entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel
shirt to protect him from the cold nights chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred pound note in his hand. Thinking that he
had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad
story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four
sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly
educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her
large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her
children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother,
on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all
his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred
pound notes and disappeared into the night.

Why didnt you scream for help? I asked.

The boy said, I did.

And nobody came to help you? I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

How loud did you scream? I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, Help me!

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This man was an excellent pilot, but not very good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane preceeding him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold descent while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement to the passengers:

Ladies and gentlemen, Im afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. Theyve closed the airport while they clean up whats left of the last airplane that landed there.

Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air, and one of the flight attendants relayed their concern to the captain. His announcement to the passengers:

Ladies and gentlemen, Ive been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, thats perfectly normal; theres nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, were nowhere near that yet.

A is for Arteries.

You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didnt care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a damn about you.

B is for Bitter.

Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call you later.

She wont. She never has before.

D is for Dumped.

Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig.

Remember when you took her out and she said Im not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends.

That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun.

And yes, there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny.

Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her.

Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me sex.

J stands for Jim.

This is her new boyfriend. Doesnt Jim have a nice car? Doesnt Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

Her. Or Jim. Or both.

L is for Love.

Its a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties (Yeah, right).

L is also for Lunatic.

Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistophiles.

That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necrophiliac.

She didnt move very much, did she?

O is for On top.

When on top she has another O word.

P is for Pill.

She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a five hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter.

She couldnt last.

R is for Rich little Bitch.

She bought my love, but I paid for it.

S stands for Screw.

Screw Jim. Screw her (I wish!).

T is for torture.

Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs.

U is for Understatement.

Saying you hate that f***ing bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous.

That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Wine.

Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to have sex. But after too much of it she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.

X is for Xylophone.

Because X is always for xylophone.

Y stands for You stink!

Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z is for Zoo.

Thats where she belongs, together with that Gorilla, Jim.

Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
A: Bill Clinton of course!