Old and New Jokes

1) Youve ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sisters honor.
2) Your wifes hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
4) Your richest relative buys a new house — and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
6) Your family tree does not fork.
7) Youve ever been too drunk to fish.
8) Youve lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator — and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to
last nights big date. So, howd it go, Harry? asked Gil.

Terrible, admitted Harry. The moment we got back to her place the phone
started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her
out. It never stopped, and we never got started.

Gil tried to comfort him. It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an
attractive young womans allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isnt
she?

Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages.

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, You cant stay here you have to come with us.

The old man replied, No, God will save me. So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, God will save me. So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, God will save him. So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, Why didnt you save me?

God replied, You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!

To enliven your day, heres a joke told by Watergate-weasel-turned-soul-saver Chuck Colson:

In Northern Ireland, a Catholic priest is driving down the road when he slams into another car rounding a curve.

Out of it steps an Anglican Bishop. They apologize all over themselves and determine that neither is seriously hurt. Shaken, the priest goes back to his car and pulls a flask out of the glove compartment, offering it to the bishop.

I think I will, says the bishop, taking a swig. He offers it back, but the priest declines, saying, Ill think Ill wait until after the police get here.

Having spent half the night discussing involvement vs. commitment (one of my favorite topics when Ive had a couple of glasses of wine and am feeling particularly cranky) with my boyfriend, I was quite amused to see the following saying pop up when I logged in the next morning:

Commitment, n.: Commitment can be best illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.

You have to duct tape your gloves on.

Youve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

No matter how much you do, youll never do enough.

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the
same?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a childs whispered, Hello?Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?Yes, whispered the small voice.May I talk with him? the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, No.Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mommy there?Yes, came the answer.May I talk with her? Again the small voice whispered, no.Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. Is there any one there besides you? the boss asked the child.Yes whispered the child, A policeman.Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss asked, May I speak with the policeman?No, hes busy, whispered the child.Busy doing what?, asked the boss.Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, What is that noise?A hello-copper, answered the whispering voice.What is going on there?, asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, The search team just landed the hello-copperAlarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, Why are they there?Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: Theyre looking for me.

A new employee at a large company walked up to a paper shredder and stood before it looking confused.

Need some help? the senior secretary asked.

Yes, how does this thing work?

Its simple, she said as she took the thick report from her colleagues hand and fed it into the shredder.

See?

I see, he said, but how many copies will it make?

Its really amazing how easy it is to misunderstand a message and sometimes rather embarassing, but funny!