Old and New Jokes

Q: Why do farmers always slap their knee?

A: To get the cow crap off their pants

One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnnys body. Worried, she asks him what happened.

He replies: Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up.

The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnnys body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.

Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.

When the teacher asks what happened, he says:

Like you said, last night, when my dad asked OK? and mom said OK, I didnt say anything. After a while, they started moaning and groaning but still, I didnt say a thing until dad asked:

did you come? and mom answered

Yeah, I came and I said

where were you?

You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.

None of your zippers have all their teeth either. 49.You are driving the car you were conceived in.

Youve ever used scissors on food.

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australias legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The ost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

Había un hombre tirado en el piso durmiendo a raíz de tremenda borrachera. De repente pasa un vago de aquellos y, aprovechándose de su condición, se lo coge, pero como recompensa le deja un billete. Al día siguiente, el borracho se despierta y ¡milagro! ve el billete tirado a su lado. Lo toma sin explicarse de donde salió y se va al bar. Cuando llega al bar dice: deme 5 vasos de vino blanco.

Tras otra borrachera se queda otra vez dormido en la calle, vuelve a pasar por ahí el vago y se lo vuelve a coger. El borracho despierta, ve otro billete, va al bar y pide nuevamente 5 vasos de vino blanco. Como era de esperarse, se repite otra vez la historia, y el borrachín amanece por tercera vez con un billete a su lado.

Se dirige al bar y el cantinero en cuanto lo ve llegar le dice: Sí, ya sé, 5 vasos de vino blanco. El borracho le responde: ¡No, esta vez que sea tinto porque el blanco rompe mucho el culo!

Esto es uno que llegan las Navidades y decide escribir una carta a los Reyes que decía así:

Queridos Reyes Magos:

Me traeréis unas botas con hierro por delante, una cadena, un puñal, una pistola y por último una chupa de cuero con los rayos de la SS grabados en plata de ley.

P.D. Baltazar, tráelo tú si tienes cojones.

Quid? Me vexatibus?

1. Its soft centred, not self centred

2. Its rich, smooth and irresistible, but it will never go astray

3. There is more than one layer to a Tim Tam

4. It doesnt care what you look like, or how old you are

5. Your friends will love it as much as you do

6. Its short, dark and handsome, and yours for life

7. It exists only to bring you pleasure and expects nothing in return

8. It never has to work back late at the office

9. It can make you feel better without saying a word

10. Its always there when you need it

Some churches are more fun than others.
Believe it or not, these actually appeared in various church bulletins:

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and
north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both
ends.

2. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, come early.

3. Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr.
Johnson will sing, Put Me In My Little Bed, accompanied by
the pastor.

4. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little
mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers
please meet with the pastor in his study.

5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to
come forward and lay an egg at the alter.

6. The service will close with Little Drops Of Water.
One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.

7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of
paper.

8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday
afternoon.

9. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the
church basement. Music will follow.

10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce
the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.

11. Tonights sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen
to our choir practice.

12. For those of you who have children and dont know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.

14. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

15. Dont let worry kill you off — let the church help.

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up.

Adam got very excited: Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If Im out in the fields, I can just go right there.

So Eve smiled & said, Okay, it sounds like he really wants that.

As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, What was the other gift?

Oh, God said, looking, Multiple orgasms.