Old and New Jokes

El venezolano no se emborracha: coge tremenda curda.

El venezolano no saluda: te dice hola chamo.

El venezolano no tiene amigos: tiene panas.

El venezolano no se cae: se da una matada.

El venezolano no se resbala: patina.

El venezolano no espía: vela.

El venezolano no se burla: se caga de la risa.

El venezolano no se enamora: se empepa.

El venezolano no esta despechado: está enguayabado.

El venezolano no se deprime: se agüebonea.

El venezolano no convence: habla paja.

El venezolano no se lanza: se tira.

El venezolano no besuquea: jamonea.

El venezolano no lame: chupa.

El venezolano no te ordena: te manda.

El venezolano no hace pupú: caga.

El venezolano no hace pipí: mea.

El venezolano no mira a las damas: se las bucea.

El venezolano no molesta: jode.

El venezolano no se baña: se echa una agüita.

El venezolano no llena su estomago: se jarta.

El venezolano no se molesta: se arrecha.

El venezolano no te golpea: te da tu coñazo.

El venezolano no se droga: tripea.

El venezolano no tiene amantes: tiene segundo frente.

El venezolano no sufre de diarrea: tiene cagantina.

El venezolano no fracasa: se jode.

El venezolano no sale corriendo: sale mandado.

El venezolano no trepa: se encarama.

El venezolano no toma siestas: echa un sueñito.

El venezolano no se agacha: se baja.

El venezolano no ríe hasta más no poder: se caga de la risa.

El venezolano no se va a su casa: se va pal coño.

Al venezolano no le es difícil: se le pone pelúa la cosa.

El venezolano no va rápido: va como una bala.

El venezolano no corre ligero: va sopláo.

El venezolano no fiestea: boncha.

El venezolano no toma: se echa sus palitos.

El venezolano no está embriagado: está curdo.

El venezolano no es molestoso: es un ladilloso.

El venezolano no es chismoso: es pajuo.

El venezolano no trabaja: chambea.

El venezolano no te da besos: te da unas latas.

El venezolano no entra en acción: se guinda a coñazo limpio.

El venezolano no es listo: es vivo, pila.

El venezolano no pide que lo lleven: pide cola.

El venezolano no juega béisbol: juega pelota.

El venezolano no es un tipo alegre: es de pinga.

El venezolano no es un tipo bueno: es chévere.

El venezolano no se muere: estira la pata.

El venezolano no tiene esposa: tiene la legal.

El venezolano no hace el amor: coge o tira.

El venezolano no hace deberes de casa: cachifea.

El venezolano no es un tipo tremendo: es un jodedor.

El venezolano no hace algo muy bien: se bota.

El venezolano no tiene hijos : tiene carajitos.

El venezolano no es cualquier cosa: es VENEZOLANO y, además, BOLIVARIANO ¡Pa que tú lo sepas!

Manolo ingresa a las tropas especiales del ejército. Todas las pruebas de actitud física las pasa con relativa facilidad pues es un hombre muy fuerte; pero en las tropas especiales también hacen pruebas de intelecto, cuando llega su turno le pregunta el sargento:

A ver, Manolo, si quedas separado de la unidad y tienes que valerte por ti solo, ¿qué es lo primero que harías?

Pues lo primero que haría, mi sargento, es buscar agua, pues sin comer puedo aguantar un tiempo, pero de sed se puede morir uno muy rápido. Así que buscaría un río o una laguna para proveerme de agua.

¿Y la tomas así o la purificas?

Bueno, pues la hiervo primero.

Muy bien, Manolo. A ver, ¿a cuántos grados hierve el agua?

Pues a 90 grados, sargento.

Pues no, Manolo, revisa el manual y verás que el agua hierve a 100 grados.

Apenado, Manolo revisa el manual y dice para si:

¡Qué bruto soy, el sargento tiene razón, lo que hierve a 90 grados es el ángulo recto!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.



The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.



People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.



The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.



After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position.



The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of



her students.





The teacher asked, Harry what is your problem? Harry



answered, Im too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the



third -grade and Im smarter than she is! I think I should be in



the third-grade too!





Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.



While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to



the principal what the situation was.





The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if



he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the



first-grade and behave.





She agreed.





Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him



and he agreed to take the test.





Principal: What is 3 x 3?





Harry: 9.





Principal: What is 6 x 6?





Harry: 36.





And so it went with every question the principal thought a



third-grade should know.





The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, I think Harry can



go to the third-grade.





Ms Brooks says to the principal, Let me ask him some



questions? The principal and Harry both agree.





Ms Brooks asks, What does a cow have four of that I have only



two of?





Harry, after a moment Legs.





Ms Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not



have?





Harry: Pockets.





Ms Brooks: What does a dog do that a man steps into?





Harry: Pants





Ms Brooks: Whats starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,



oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?





Harry: Coconut





Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and



sticky?





The principals eyes open really wide and before he could stop the



answer, Harry was taking charge.





Harry: Bubblegum





Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting



down and a dog do on three legs?





The principals eyes open really wide and before he could stop the



answer.





Harry: Shake hands





Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some Who am I sort of questions,



okay?





Harry: Yep.





Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to



get me up. I get wet before you do.





Harry: Tent





Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when youre



bored. The best man always has me first.





The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.





Harry: Wedding Ring





Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When Im not well, I drip. When



you blow me, you feel good.





Harry: Nose





Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a



quiver.





Harry: Arrow





Ms Brooks: What word starts with an F and ends in K that



means a lot of heat and excitement?





Harry: Firetruck





The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, Put



Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong



myself.

Hofstadters Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadters Law into account.

There is a family of ducks walking along the road, when all of the sudden
a car swerves and kills all but one baby. Realizing that he doesnt yet
know what he is, he wanders around looking for some answers. He sees a
family of skunks walking in the same area as his family was, and what do
you know a car killed all but one of the babies too. So the baby duck goes
up to the baby skunk and says Do you know what I am?

The skunk says Well youre yellow, you have a beak, webbed feet, and
feathers, so you must be a duck. Do you know what I am?

The duck says Well youre not quite white, not quite black, you smell like
shit, so you must be a Mexican.

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have
companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to
see Adam and says to him, Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg.Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, What could I get for a rib?

Psychologists havediscovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight intotheir personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eatingOreos: 1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I dont have a favorite way because I dont like Oreos.Your Personality: 1. The whole thing – this means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children. 2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but thats OK, not to worry, youre normal. 3. Slow and Methodical. You follow the rules. Youre very tidy and orderly. Youre very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the Point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if youre only going to go the speed limit 4. Feverish Nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. 5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations in to good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction. 6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal,behavior. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But thats OK, you dont care, you got yours. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help- immediately. 10. I dont have a favorite way, I dont like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. Theres just no pleasing you.

Change, change, change… Thats all well have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president. — George Bush

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.

He turns to bartender and says, Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..



STOP pal – I dont allow talk about politics in my bar! interrupted the bartender.



A few minutes later the guy tried again, People say about the Pope …

NO religion talk, either, the bartender cuts in.



One more try to break the boredom… I thought the Yankees would…

NO sports talk…Thats how fights start in bars! the barman said.



Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?

Sure, that we can talk about, replies the barkeep.



GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!