When God created man, he gave him 20 years of sex. Man asked God for more, but God said 20 years was enuff. When God created monkey, he gave him 20 years.
Monkey said to God, I only need 10 years.
Man heard this and spoke up God may I have the other 10 years?
God said okay.
God then gave 20 years to the lion.
However, lion spoke up and said that 10 years was plenty for sex.
Again man spoke up and requested the other 10 years.
God gave him the extra 10 years again.
God then gave the donkey 20 years of sex, but again the donkey thought 10 years was enuff.
Man spoke up again and requested the other 10 years.
God gave him the other 10 years.
This is why man has 20 years good sex, 10 years monkeying around, 10 years lion about it, and 10 years making a jackass of himself.
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
TOBACCO SETTLEMENT MONEY TO HELP PROTECT KIDS FROM DANGERS OF SMOKING
North Carolina – In accordance with a multi-billion dollar class action settlement against the tobacco industry, The Big tobacco companies have pledged to devote millions to making sure children are not harmed by cigarettes.
While much of the money has been spent on television ads and tobacco education, one company, RJ Reynolds, the parent company for long time childrens product staple, Nabisco, has chosen to interpret the terms of the settlement a little differently.
Taking their cue from the cellular phone industrys recent efforts to assure customers that their product can be used safely at all times, RJR has developed the hands free cigarette, a product which they envision marketing primarily to children.
The problem with the youngsters is they are so active said RJR spokesman Don Buttles. Theyre always riding their bikes, or digging in the dirt, or playing catch. These pursuits, while fun for the child, can make it difficult to safely operate a cigarette.
With the new CyberCigarette Holder kids can still do all the recreational things they love, while getting the refreshing nicotine their young, developing bodies crave. And best of all, it will be done safely.
Buttles had this to say when asked why the name CyberCigarrette Holder was chosen despite the fact that no computer technology is involved in the product.
Studies show that children like the word Cyber and parents dont understand it. This is a perfect marketing combination as far as were concerned.
The CyberCigarrette Holder is expected to go on sale in late November.
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Dear Boys and Girls,
Well, its that time of year again and once again I am busting my ass to get everything done in time for my big night. What a pain it has been. Shortages from Japan, elves who dont know shit about electronic toys, a sleigh that is falling apart and then I caught the Missus fooling around with one of the elves. Who knew? I always thought the little bastards were gay!
I really am getting too old for this shit. It used to be so simple… wooden toys and dolls that didnt do anything, but now its electronic gizmos up the ass, and what the hell does an old fart like me know about computers? I put my naughty/nice list on the computer a few years ago and the damn thing crashed. Lost all the nice kids. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fly tech support to the north pole?
Dont even get me started on the damn reindeer. Eight tiny reindeer my ass! Too much hay and carrots. They are so damn fat I have my doubts they will even get off the ground.
I shouldnt talk. I always go on a diet the day after Christmas. Too many damn cookies and milk. Of course, now what do the little kiddies leave me? Low fat milk and fat free cookies! Thats all I get, especially in California with all those damn health nuts. Is it too much to ask to leave the fat man a good stiff drink to keep him warm through the night?
Enough about my problems. How have you been? Hope things are going well for you and yours. Not sure what time I will be flying over your house but with the FAA and their new freaking rules, its going to be a very long night.
Heres wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year!
Lots of love,
Santa
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Some of lifes truisms…
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.
The woman answered Well, I have contacts.
The policeman replied I dont care who you know! Youre getting a ticket!
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that hed been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. I cant walk around like this!!
Sir, the doctor said, there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.
A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased mans blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.
Excuse me, sir, said the policeman.
Do you know anything about this at all?
No, constable, said the man.
Well, we cant figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughters swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, Gimme a break, lady!
Your daughter is pregnant!
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, Quit looking out the window! Arent you paying attention to me?
Yes, of course I am paying attention, maam. Its just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping theyd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!
PCMCIA People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Cant See It
DOS Defective Operating System
BASIC Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of
Mathematics
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for)
Fools (&) Teenagers.