Old and New Jokes

How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?

Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.

Susie Lee fell in love.

She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy bout it all,

she told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie Gal,

youll have to find another.

Id just as soon yo maw dont know,

but Joe is yo half-brother.

So Susie forgot about her Joe

and planned to marry Will.

But, after telling Pappy this,

he said, Theres trouble still.

You cant marry Will, my gal,

and please dont tell yo mother,

cause Will and Joe and several mo

I know is yo half-brother.

But Mama knew and said Honey Child,

Do what makes yo happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe,

you aint no kin to Pappy!

According to local personality Doug Mulray, the first thing Bill Clinton
did when he arrived in the White House was to phone up all the women
who refused to go out with him in college, and ask:

… and what does your husband do for a living?

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like.

Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe: I cant believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?

Max: Well, its great, but Ive got good news, and Ive got bad news … The good news is that theres a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, were playing Scheherezade, your favorite piece, tomorrow night!

Abe: So whats the bad news?

Max: Well, youre booked to play the solo!

If operating systems were beer

DOS Beer:

Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after its no longer available.

Mac Beer:

At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a light beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that you dont need to know. A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:

The worlds most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans wont explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:

The can looks a lot like Mac Beers can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:

Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beers, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beers – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an industrial strength beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:

The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didnt understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasnt changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, youre told that its proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.



Bobby looked up and replied, Well, Ms Smith, you cant say you werent warned.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.

Then why are you so sad? her mother asked.

Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnt even believe theres a hell.

Her mother replied, Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, well show him how wrong he is.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, dont stand in her way.

– Sanka

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

No thanks, the girl says. You know I dont smoke.