Sex is the most practical and funniest (full of fun) ways of losing weight.
Look how many calories you can burn:
Taking Off The Clothes
With her agreement 12 cal
Without her agreement 187 cal
Taking Off The Bra
With both hands 8 cal
With one hand 12 cal
With one hand being slapped 37 cal
With the mouth 85 cal
Putting On The Condom
With erection 6 cal
Without erection 315 cal
Preliminaries
Trying to find the clitoris 8 cal
Trying to find G spot 92 cal
Without caring at all 0 cal
When Doing It
Holding her up 12 cal
Just on the floor 8 cal
Positions
Daddy-mummy 12 cal
69 laying 8 cal
69 standing up 112 cal
Trolley 216 cal
Italian chandelier 912 cal
Having An Orgasm
Real 112 cal
Fake 315 cal
Post Orgasm
Staying in bed 18 cal
Jumping off the bed 36 cal
Explaining why she jumped off the bed 816 cal
Getting The Second Erection
Between 16 and 19 years of age 12 cal
From 20 to 29 36 cal
From 30 to 39 108 cal
From 40 to 49 324 cal
From 50 to 59 972 cal
Over 60 2916 cal
Putting On The Clothes
Quietly 32 cal
Being in a hurry 98 cal
With her husband opening the door 1218 cal
One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly,
the blondes friend said, Oh, look, a dead birdie. The blonde looked up
and said, Where?
Letrero colocado al lado de las fotocopiadoras:
Se ruega encarecidamente a todas las secretarias que cuando envÃen un documento para fotocopiar, lo acompañen de una nota perfectamente clara y completa, ya que se están dando situaciones embarazosas para el encargado de la fotocopiadora, quien se encuentra a las puertas del divorcio.
A tÃtulo de ejemplo se citan algunas notas remitidas por las secretarias:
Por favor, Pepe, házmelo de prisa, que está esperando el jefe.
Pepe, házmelo como la última vez.
Hazme 4 rapidito, pero como tú sabes.
Pepe, por delante y por detrás, pero ojo que tiene que entrar todo.
Anda Pepe, primero a mÃ, que tengo una urgencia.
Sácamela que se vea lo mejor posible.
Y la más reciente, estando la fotocopiadora ocupada, llega una secretaria y dice:
Ay Pepe, con la prisa que me corre, ¿no la puedes meter y me lo haces en un momentito? Anda, por favor, métemela sin que nadie se entere.
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as she. One of the students raised their hand and asked – What gender is a computer?
The teacher wasnt certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Consider the story of the two octogenarians on a park bench. One asks the other: Do you believe in reincarnation?
Well, Joe, replies Harry, Ive never really thought much about it.
Maybe we ought to start thinking about it, says Joe. One of us is going to go first. Lets agree that the one who is left behind will come to this park bench every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m., and the one who has departed will find a way of getting a message to him at that time about reincarnation and all those other things that are beyond our ken.
Harry agrees.
One month later, Joe dies peacefully in his sleep. Every week for several months, Harry takes up his station at the park bench at 11:00 a.m.
Then one Wednesday, at the appointed hour, he hears a voice, as though from afar.
Harry, Harry, can you hear me? the voice says. Its Joe.
Joe, for heavens sake, what is it like?
You wouldnt believe it, Harry, about the only thing you do up here is make love. They wake you up at seven in the morning and you make love until noon. After lunch and a nap, youre at it again right through until dinner time.
Good gosh, Joe, what are you and where are you?
Im a rabbit in Montana!
From: Cousins, Norman (1990), The laughter prescription, Saturday Evening Post, 262(6), 32-40
Two old ladies are sitting on their rocking chairs out in front of the nursing home when Lucy turns to her friend and asks, Mildred, do you remember the minuet?
Good heavens no, replies Mildred, I dont even remember the ones Ive fucked.
(Well, shes honest)
Did you hear about the blonde that got fired from the M&M factory? She threw away all the ws
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.