Cuando la Madre Teresa de Calcuta muere, San Pedro le informa:
Lo siento, pero se nos han acabado las coronas.
Ya estando ahÃ, la Madre Teresa decide darse un paseo por el Reino de los Cielos. Horas más tarde vuelve indignada y le reclama a San Pedro:
Perdona, pero acabo de ver a la princesa Diana de Gales con una corona. ¡Y me habÃas dicho que no quedaban!
¡Qué va, eso es el volante que no se lo hemos podido sacar!
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats the problem?
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, I found my wife in bed with my best friend.
Wow, says the barkeep. What did you do about it? I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out.
That makes sense, remarks the barkeep… And, what about your best friend?
I looked him right in the eye and yelled, **Bad Dog**
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
(Supposedly a true story – then again, arent they all?)
This Certified Flight Instructor and his Student are holding on the runway for
departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops
in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: What should I do? What should I do?
Inst: What do you think you should do?
(Think-think-think.)
Std: Maybe if I taxi toward him itll scare him away.
Inst: Thats a good idea.
(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: What should I do? What should I do?
Inst: What do you think you should do?
(Think-think-think.)
Std: Maybe I should tell the tower.
Inst: Thats a good idea.
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, theres a deer down here on the runway.
(Long pause.)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate
departure.
(Two seconds, and then – I presume by coincidence – the deer bolts from the
runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence,
departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
Q: what do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?A: udder destruction
A gang-member was holding his eight-month old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured mother.
Our guy gets all excited and hollers to his wife, Hey, the baby just said half a word!
These two <ethnics> were driving home across the desert.. and they
were in need of some fuel.
They pass a sign that says, Free sex with fill-up
Hey man says one <ethnic>, Ive heard of that. Lets try it.
So they stop…
Can I help you?
Yeah, fill er up
(a few minutes later)
Thatll be $18.50 please
Hey, wait a minute, your sign says free sex with fill-up
Oh, why yes it does, but it is conditional.. I am thinking of a
number between one and twenty, what is it?
<first ethnic> Five
<second ethnic> Eight
No, I am sorry gentlemen, it was two, well, better luck next time
The two <ethnics> leave and are a bit perturbed…
Aw man, we were ripped off!
Nah, I dont think so, last week my wife went in there twice and
won both times!!
A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken.
The farmer tells the man that they dont call them chickens there. We say pullets.
Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, We dont call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times.
Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.
The farmer says, We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks.
The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.
A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.
She says, Sure, what do you need?
The man replies, Can you hold my cock and pullet… while I slap my ass?
HUM: The Village People Meets Star Wars (***)
Y.O.D.A (To the Village Peoples Y.M.C.A)
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now its muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, Theres no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN, tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN, from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
Hes 900 years old!
Hes so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force youll feel!
YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN, master Yoda not far. Ill be
HAVIN this bright thing that aint hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *ILL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
Hes 900 years old!
Hes so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Dont just stand in the rain!
Youre all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin to me? I cant
TRAIN HIM, hes so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, hes so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOURE* *A* *JERK*
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You dont have to save Han!
If you do so, youll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade).
Una mañana se subió Pepito a un camión y se sentó exactamente atrás del chofer y empezó a decir en voz alta:
Si mi papá fuera toro y mi mama una vaca yo serÃa un becerrito.
Después de un momento continúa diciendo: Si mi papá fuera un rinoceronte y mi mamá una
rinoceronte yo serÃa un rinocerontecito.
Al ratito sigue: Si mi papá fuera un jirafo y mi mamá fuera una jirafa yo seria un jirafito.
Después de una pausa, continúa diciendo: Si mi papá fuera un mono y mi mamá una mona yo
serÃa un monito.
A todo esto el chofer ya estaba perdiendo la paciencia, mientras el niño continuaba: Si mi papá fuera un tortugo y mi mamá una tortuga yo serÃa un tortugito.
Ya cansado el chofer se voltea y le grita:
¿Y si tu papá fuera un maricón y tu mamá una prostituta, que serÃas tu?
Pepito, sin inmutarse responde:
¡Entonces seria un chofercito!