Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

A: Nice tits!

This place looks like the wizard of oz on mesciline.

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it only makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick in bed with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted so much to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she even showed up with a surprise cup of tea.

Why, youre such a sweetheart, the mother said as she drank the tea. I didnt know you even knew how to make tea.

Oh, yes, the little girl replied. I learned by watching you. I put the tea leaves in the pan and then I put in the water, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldnt find a strainer, so I used the fly swatter instead.

You what? the mother screamed.

And the little girl said, Oh, dont worry, Mom, I didnt use the new flyswatter. I used the old one.

When kids try their hardest and they get it all wrong in spite of themselves, whats a parent to do? What mothers and fathers often do is prevent their children from carrying any responsibility that could result in a mess or a mistake. Its just easier to do everything for them than to clean up afterward. But I urge parents not to fall into that trap.

Your child needs his mistakes. Thats how he learns. So go along with the game every now and then … even if the tea you drink tastes a little strange.

— Dr. James Dobson

Child psychologist

While traveling through Antigo, Wisconsin, our family stopped in a local restaurant for a brief respite while driving. My father ordered 2 cups of coffee for himself and my mother. My mother, after tasting the coffee, looked at my father and they each grimaced at each other. Looking around, my father noticed a sign above the back corner which said, Dont knock our coffee, you may be old and weak yourself sometime.

Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, Whats the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Cant you find anyone who suits you?

No, Bill replies. I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesnt like them. So I keep on looking!

Listen, his friend suggests, Why dont you find a girl whos just like your dear old Mother?

Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together. So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One thats just like your Mother?

Bill shrugs his shoulders, Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends.

So are you and this girl engaged, yet? Im afraid not, my Father cant stand her!

A: Thats not funny!!!

You might be a redneck if…
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big ole coon. The one what hangs round over yonder, backah Bubbas barn…"

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One boy is sitting down, having a bowl of Corn Flakes, the other is frantically looking for an item for show-and-tell. I know I put it here somewhere he says. He then remembers that he put it in the kitchen for safe keeping the night before. He dashes for the kitchen and stops at his brother, still eating his cereal. Hey, you found my scab collection.

1.Puppies wont ask you if its the best puppy youve ever had. 2.A puppy always comes to you when you call it. 3.If you show affection for a puppy, it returns it with no strings attached. 4.All you need to do for a puppy to love you forever is feed it and not beat it with heavy blunt objects. 5.Puppies love you unconditionally. 6.Its OK if your PUPPY gets fleas from another puppy. 7.You can put a puppy on a leash and snap it back if it tries to sniff other puppies. 8.Your puppy will never leave you for your roommate, best friend, or someone with bigger breasts/more money/better looks/a better body/etc. 9.Puppies urinating in the front lawn is normal. 10.Puppies dont bite the hand that feeds them. 11.Puppies are easier to train to do simple tasks. 12.A puppy never conspires with other puppies to play with your mind.13.Puppies never leave en masse to check out puppies in the other room. 14.A puppy wont give you a lot of backtalk for no apparent reason. 15.You can train your puppy to do tricks–like play dead all day. 16.If you have a neighbor you dont like, you wont be as embarassed if your PUPPY poops all over his lawn. 17.Puppies dont even pretend to know how to fix whatever they break.18.Puppies wont get jealous of all of your male friends. 19.Neutering your boyfriend, as practical as it may seem, is harder to justify. 20.A PUPPYs face in the toilet bowl is less alarming. 21.Puppies dont leave the toilet seat up. 22.Puppies dont have to show other puppies that its the puppy of its house. 23.Puppies attract men; boyfriends drive them away. 24.Puppies dont do dishes, but at least they attempt to lick their own plate clean. 25.Puppies wont ask Why dont you look like THAT? when watching TV. 26.Puppies actually look attractive with a full body of hair. 27.Puppies dont mind staying home with the kids. 28.Because puppies cant read m