Old and New Jokes

Your breath stinks so bad people look forward to your farts.

The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays

Rosh Hashanah — Feast


Tzom Gedalia — Fast


Yom Kippur — More fasting


Sukkot — Feast


Hashanah Rabbah — More feasting


Simchat Torah — Keep feasting


Month of Heshvan — No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on ourselves.


Hanukkah — Eat potato pancakes


Tenth of Tevet — Do not eat potato pancakes


Tu BShevat — Feast


Fast of Esther — Fast


Purim — Eat pastry


Passover — Do not eat pastry


Shavuot — Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)


17th of Tammuz — Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)


Tish BAv — Very strict fast (dont even think about cheesecake or blintzes.)


Month of Elul — End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before the High Holidays arrive again.

The bandage was wound around the wound.The farm was used to produce produce.The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuseWe must polish the Polish furniture.He could lead if he would get the lead out.The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.I did not object to the object.The insurance was invalid for the invalid.There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.They were too close to the door to close it.The buck does funny things when the does are present.A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.The wind was too strong to wind the sail.Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?One less drunk.

People are always
on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you
dont get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you dont get enough variation
(the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people
tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now theres
the new Toddler Miracle Diet!
Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim.
Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.
You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise,
you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with
grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on
the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face
and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any colour), a handful of potato
chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest)
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips
of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen
floor…

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and
eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable
dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick
and a handful of Dog Food (any flavour). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick a lollipop until sticky, take
outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be
thrust up your left nostril. Pour orange squash over mashed potatoes;
eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one
with fingers, then rub fingers in hair. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff
other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays lollipop from
rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp
up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of crisps, some red
punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavour),
bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add
half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal
to dog.
Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining
room carpet. Find that lollipop and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
cybersex. Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet
phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as youll see below, one of the two
cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesnt seem to
quite get the point of cybersex. Then again, maybe he does…

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work
out every day, Im toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you
look like?

Wellhung: Im 63 and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of
blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. Im also wearing a T-shirt with a
few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner… it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: Were in my bedroom. Theres soft music playing on the stereo and
candles on my dresser and night table. Im looking up into your eyes, smiling.
My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge,
swelling bulge.

Wellhung: Im gulping, Im beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: Im pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now Im unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: Im moaning softly.

Wellhung: Im taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: Im throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my
warm skin. Im rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in
your blouse. Im sorry.

Wellhung: Ill pay for it.

Sweetheart: Dont worry about it. Im wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts
are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: Im fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think its stuck. Do you
have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. Im reaching back undoing the
clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are
erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? Im picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: Im arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all
over me.

Wellhung: Im dropping the bra. Now Im licking your, you know, breasts. Theyre
neat!

Sweetheart: Im running my fingers through your hair. Now Im nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: Im so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: Im wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: Im taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. Im pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: Im screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: Im pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: Im pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out
nibbling on you… umm… wait a minute.

Sweetheart: Whats the matter?

Wellhung: Ive got a pubic hair caught in my throat. Im choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: Im having a coughing fit. Im turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: Im running to the kitchen, choking wildly. Im fumbling through the
cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: Im drinking a cup of water. There, thats better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: Im washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: Im on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: Im drying the cup. Now Im putting it back in the cabinet. And now
Im walking back to the bedroom. Wait, its dark, Im lost. Wheres the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: Im tuggin off your pants. Im moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately – our naked bodies
pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why dont you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I cant see very well without them. I place the glasses on the
night table.

Sweetheart: Im bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. Im fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward
the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and its dark. Im feeling around for the toilet.
I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: Im waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: Im done going. Im feeling around for the flush handle, but I cant
find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: Whats the matter now?

Wellhung: Ive realized that Ive peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again.
Im walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now Im going to put my… you know… thing… in your… you
know… womans thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: Im touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck.
Umm, Im having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: Im moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I cant stand it another
second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: Im flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: Im limp. I cant sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: Im standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: Im shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. Im
going to get my glasses and see whats wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. Im getting dressed. Im putting on my underwear.
Now Im putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now Im squinting, trying to find the night table. Im
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and
your candles.

Sweetheart: Im buttoning my blouse. Now Im putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Ive found my glasses. Im putting them on. My God! One of our candles
fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! Im pointing at it, a shocked look
on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. Im logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: (logged off)

Estaba Caperucita Roja pasando por el campo cuando se le presenté el lobo feroz y le dijo:

Hola caperucita, ya yo se que vas donde tu abuelita, y que llevas manzanas y empanadas en tu canasta y también le llevas jugo de mango.

Y responde Caperucita: ¿Y tú cómo sabes eso?

Es que yo tengo una bola de cristal.

¡Ay, pobrecito!

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, If youll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.

I dont think Ill be there, the boy said. You dont even know your way to the post office.

Weve all been there but dont like to admit it. Weve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal? The Kuwaiti woman replied, Land mines.