Old and New Jokes

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. You simpleton! the officer barked. Dont you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?

Yes sir, the solder answered apologetically. But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, Lets eat one now and save the other until winter —that did it!

BANTA Singh went for a job interview to be a secretary. When the manager saw his colourful attire and gold and white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming

NOT Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Singh.So he told Singh, If >you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK.

Singh thought for a while and said : I hear the phone GREEN GREEN,GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW …BLUEs that ?WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number, lah…. Dont PURPLEly disturb people and dont call BLACK, ok ? Thank You.

The Manager fainted.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well Ill be. the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry. I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?

I dont have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

Chuck, weve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they dont belong.

These unwanted advances will have to stop.

Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, Im sorry, Sir. I wont do it again.

The company president said, Im sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that. Chucks face lit up.

Ms Jones?!!!!

I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!

Which takes longer to make, A blond snowman or a regular snowman? A blond one because you have to hollow out the head!

Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Servicemans Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasnt long before the centers Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Joness sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said, If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.

Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Becuase nobody likes to squeeze a blackhead.

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldnt seem to get enough
lovin. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love,
and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go – both before
and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.

The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the
house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back
again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the towns doctor, about
what to do.

Easiest thing in the world, Homer said the doctor. You take your rifle out
with you every day, dont you? Well, when you feel like youre in the mood for
some lovin, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to
come out to you. That way you wont lose any workin time.

Homer tried his friends solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while.
One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed
Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.

Whats wrong? he asked. Didnt my idea work? And wheres your wife?

Oh, it worked said Homer. Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like
you said, and Beckied come runnin. Then wed find a secluded place and make
love. Then Beckied go back home.

So whats the problem?

Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I aint seen hide nor hair of Beckie since
hunting season got started…

Its customarily said that Christmas is done for the kids. Considering how awful Christmas is and how little our society likes children, this must be true.

– P.J. ORourke, Modern Manners, 1983.