Old and New Jokes

If you take your Mom to the Walmart food court for Mothers Day…

You might be a redneck

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.

The gatekeeper at the gate to heaven says, There are too many people in heaven so you have to pass this quiz to get in.

Forrest Gump says, Okay.

The gatekeeper says, First question: What two days of the week begin with T?

Gump replies, Thats easy. Today and tommorrow.

The gatekeeper says, Well, I didnt think of that so Ill give it to you.

Second question: How many seconds are in a year?

Gump says, 12, January 2nd, February 2nd…

The gatekeeper says, That wasnt what I was thinking, but Ill give it to you.

Last question: What is Gods first name?

Gump replies, Howard.

The gatekeeper says, How on earth did you get Howard?

Gump says, Its common sense. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.

Top Ten List for 4/25/1994

10. Youll never sit down again!
9. Singapore – spanking clean!
7. Singapore – its canerific!
6. Yeeeeee-ouuuuuuch!
5. Well spray-paint any car for $99.95!
4. Give us a week and well take off the flesh!
3. Drop your pants, round-eyes!
2. You can bet your ass youll have fun!
1. Bend over!

Brian Peek

Owner of Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

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Them special effects is fantastic. --Dave Letterman

I went out today and bought everything Ive been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonnas baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.

A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, What do you think youre doing?

After a moment the man replied, … Well, Ive always wanted to strike a happy medium.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

SCHIZOPHRENIA…



Do you Hear What I Hear?



MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER…



We Three Queens Disoriented Are



DEMENTIA…



I Think Ill Be Home for Christmas



NARCISSISTIC…



Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me



MANIC…



Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets



and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and



Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…..



PARANOID…



Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.



PERSONALITY DISORDER…



You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry, Im Gonna Pout, Maybe



Ill tell you Why.



DEPRESSION…



Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.



OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER…



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,



….(better start again)



PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY…



On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me



(and then took it all away).



BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER…



Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

During a busy Pre-Christmas day atSydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long lineof inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. Heslapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and ithas to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "Im sorry sir.Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im surewell be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. HeSCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who Iam?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public addressmicrophone. "May I have your attentionplease?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passengerhere at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, theman glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Screw you." Without flinching, she smiled andreplied, "Im sorry, sir, but youll have to stand in line for that, too."

Great Quotes by Great Ladies!Inside every older person is a younger person —
wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think
of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who
never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-Old age aint no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-A mans got to do what a mans got to do. A woman
must do what he cant.
-Rhonda Hansome-The phrase working mother is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-Every time I close the door on reality it comes in
through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-Whatever women must do they must do twice as well
as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-Thirty-five is when you finally get your head
together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes
several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-If you cant be a good example, then youll just
have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-When I was young, I was put in a school for
retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a
hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-Im not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes
because I know Im not dumb. and Im also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-Im not going to vacuum til Sears makes one you
can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-When women are depressed they either eat or go
shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-
if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to
combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I lea

A Polish women knocks at the door of the sperm bank. A man answers the door and asks, “May I help you?” She says, carefully holding her head back and gargling slightly, “I have a deposit to make”.

You might be a redneck if…
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.